Surrender and Stubborness

It is now hours before beginning a week of chemo - a completely unknown territory for me. I have not felt anxious about the chemo, but have had moments of anxiety around how my labs have responded over the past few weeks. While I have continued to feel better these past few weeks, my labs do not reflect the same and it is mind-boggling to say the least. I ask why is it that I follow directions, live a healthy life, eat clean food, exercise, do yoga - you name it, I practice what I preach - and yet, this disease is entrenched! As I was reflecting on this, I had calls from two very close friends and the lightbulb went off. In fact, I awoke from my sleep last evening to write a few notes for this blog. One friend mentioned how hard it is to just surrender and I had an immediate reaction to this statement. I realized that I can no longer control this - I have tried the above, I have not trusted conventional medicine, I have been my own leader - now, I am being asked to let go and let God. For me, this is allowing divine intelligence to direct the course of my healing path and to trust that all is and will be well. When I think of control, I realize that the stubborn part me that wants to "do it my way" is now getting in the way! How ironic - after all, it is the interplay of being persistent while also allowing, that truly can promote healing and success. My other friend sent me an amazing audio book, Mind Over Medicine and she recapped a few areas such as enjoying the juicy, sensual aspects of life - the gifts that this life has to offer. While I have been better at this, I know that guilt jumps in immediately when it comes to experiencing pleasure. After all, there is so much to do, to accomplish and while I truly love what I do, it becomes that double-edged sword. It felt so good to make these connections, to feel empowered and to make sense of something that affects so many people - cancer does not discriminate - and there is no blame or finger to point. The path to healing is all about love - of self and others. Cheers, Julie