3:46 AM (3 hours ago)
Don't be afraid. You needn't slay the beast or scale the entire mountain. That's not how it's done. You only need to move through today, Julie.
Think of the distance you've already covered. Focus on your strengths. Let each new step remind you of your freedom. Let your every breath remind you of your power. Seek out friends and guides; they're anxious to help.
You're not alone. You're understood. This road has been walked before. Dance life's dance, just a few steps at a time, and in the wink of an eye you will wonder to yourself, "What beast, what mountain? Was I having a dream?"
As I drove back from UMass yesterday after spending a wonderful overnight with Ashley before she leaves for Amsterdam for a year's study abroad, I had so many different thoughts. I am excited for her new opportunities, will miss the bonding that we've had over the summer, and began to review the week's highlights as well. I not only have my fingers in lots of pots, so to speak, but I have these occasional moments of wondering "how", "can I", "what's the next step". What is most interesting is that I have been led this week and let me explain a little more on this.
I have started to take steps toward my overarching vision, mission, dream, goal - you get the idea. And during this past few weeks, I signed on with a skincare company whose mission is akin to my mine - clean products, education about chemical toxicity and illness - and I had my first focus group to discuss opening a center here in Marblehead - one that will offer relaxation, clean food and skincare, education and support, along with the rich activities that this town has to offer.
During our dinner meeting - of course I made dinner! - we tossed around clinic, spa and came upon retreat, as how I will define this entity. I felt the acceptance and excitement of the folks who came, as well as those who could not attend but want to be part of this development. At the same time, I am aware that before I can even propose the idea to the town or financiers, I need numbers - how much it will cost to do this. Of course, I feel stopped and intimidated by this task. There was some tossing and turning with vivid thinking ongoing during my less than refreshing sleep.
On my way back from the bank the next day, I drove by the travel agency and felt drawn to stop in. I left my card for the owner and wouldn't you know, he emailed me with interest in meeting! A little ways down the road, I decided to stop into the cafe where I had some great conversations a few months ago with the manager, but the timing was not right for her. She was happy to see me and suggested I go upstairs to see the owner. Now for months, I could not get in touch with any of the "powers that be" in this complex, but it jut so happened that the owner is in town from Florida. We talked on the phone later that day and will meet next week.
What is most interesting about all of this is that while fear will still come and go, I am able to listen to the quiet messages that are either deep inside or right in front of me. Hallelujah!
While on the crest of these exciting moments, I received part of my "report card" - remember that part of life that had dominated much of last year - labs and more labs.
Well, for now, since I have been stable, my labs are spread out to about every 3 months and given my combination of results last quarter, I began an intensive supplement regimen and also met with an intuitive. What I heard from the intuitive is that I still need rest and more self-compassion - giving to myself without guilt. Well, this pill is probably the hardest one to swallow!
I have been more tired lately, experiencing more migraines and yet, I also am so grateful to look back at last year and see how much I have improved! I was awaiting the results with hopeful optimism and yet, was let down partially. The cancer markers (only partial results) look good, but my white counts are back down. White blood cells are all about immunity, muscle, strength.
As I reflect on my white cells, I realize that indeed, I continue to require more rest and I must increase my protein even more - into a therapeutic level that even I resist! The message that came loud and clear to me was "physician heal thyself" - and while I had a blip of feeling sad, fearful and angry - I had already ordered the protein formula, somehow knowing that this was next.
While the numbers confirmed things, my intuitive self was already directing the show. The moral of this story is to take time for yourself - to reflect, to listen and to heal. You can heal your body - it's all a process!