Monday, May 29, 2017

Step to the Beat of a Different Drummer

It is a beautiful Spring day and a holiday. With consciousness, I chose to really step to the beat of a different drummer, something that does not come easily to me.  My drumbeat has been a fast-paced, on the move beat, even during periods when a slower beat may have been a better choice!

While there have been many reasons for my move and to this particular location, in part, it has been to really reset my way of being, to rewire my "energizer bunny" mode.  And today was the first day where I allowed myself to really participate on all levels - mind, body, spirit.

The day began with my waking once again feeling exhausted, allergic, stiff and a bit tearful that I was not feeling so great.  I realize that I have been on the go and in crisis management mode for months, that it would take some time for my body and brain to relax and rejuvenate, but come on, I've been here now a month.  Let's get on with it!

I went to yoga, feeling cared for by my instructor who has this wisdom and compassion, much like Heather and Kristina, and by the end of class, I was already in a different place.  That inner knowing that usually comes with my yoga practice, felt more solid today and there was a lightness of heart and visual clarity that I have not had in a long time.

I decided to stay present to the moment, asking myself what I wanted to do at that time, rather than planning.  My general mode is to have everything efficiently planned so there is no waste of time.  Mistake number one from my past!

I had become so programmed for efficiency that there was no room for impromptu joy!  My day unfolded beautifully and it sure didn't hurt to have warmth and sunshine.  I rode my bike to the market for a few groceries and Tammie's organic, grain free dog food.  She's on a similar diet to her mom!  Gotta love it.

I walked TT many times in between as she never refuses a walk.  I went to this really cool library/bookstore called Bart's Books.  It is an outdoor library with awnings, garden tables and chairs and I sat, reading for an hour.  Upon arriving home, I picked more Loquats from my tree, washed and cooked them.  I then walked to a local artisan shop which was closed, but there were free rocks and driftwood branches - exactly what I was seeking to make a wall hanging.

While being out and about, I viewed the mountains, the trees and the beauty of this community.  Arriving home, I felt content and satisfied, ready to clean my apartment, prep for my work week and now settle into writing this accounting of the day.

The next time you feel down, like things are never going to change, stop and change the beat, reprogram yourself.  It's worth the effort!

A new day is dawning,

Friday, May 19, 2017

Upside Down and Learning to Love It

As I traversed this week, I faced many challenges - the stuff that is hard for me, the stuff that I don't particularly enjoy doing and the stuff that hits the cord of old tapes - "what are you stupid"-as my folks would say in frustration when I was young or "boy am I stupid" - the embodiment of early modeling that I took ownership for over many years.  This is not about blame - I know that my parents were really acting out of their own frustration and shame of not being able to help me, but when I am tired and stressed, old states of being rear their ugly head.

First it was the bank and quickbooks not communicating due to a state address move, then it was dealing with my professional licenses and how to pay state taxes in another state.  Later on, it was about setting up my laboratory accounts for assisting my patients from afar.  Computer set-up is not my forte and I'd much rather be talking with patients, networking with professionals and taking time to smell the flowers!

It's also been painful dealing with my Dad who chooses to remain angry, stating how he needs help, but will not allow me in.  The double messages that I've received for my entire life are impossible to interpret and I find myself saddened, yet also accepting of a relationship that will never be.

It sure didn't help that my organic mattress that I ordered was on backorder and Tammie and I have been roughing it on a thin daybed mattress on the floor. Oh, my aching joints!

OK, enough complaining.  What I found during this time was that I started into old patterns - fear of not getting my work up and running, overworking in all areas, feeling like I will never catch up.  As this grew over the week, I got a migraine, I felt exhausted and while I was walking daily and getting to yoga most days, I was still caught in the trap.  Life felt upside down and I was spinning out of control.

The ahha came this morning.  My mentor, coach and dear friend, Dr Heather Ensworth, reached out to check in and I emailed my lament along with knowing that this too would pass.  I then went to yoga and met an amazing teacher, Rosemary Garrison.  As it turned out, we had a private session and she asked what I'd like to work on.  I mentioned my fear of being upside down and that I've never been able to do a headstand, even fearing being supported in this posture.

I still had a migraine, but somehow felt drawn to tackle this posture.  I was curious about what being upside down meant to me.  We worked up to the headstand and before you know it, I was up there with very little support and it felt amazing!  I left there almost migraine free.

As the day unfolded, I decided to explore a bit and to take time to "smell the flowers", so to speak.  What a beautiful town, a wonderful day in many ways.  I visited a spiritual retreat, then went to the local church to check out music ministry.  After that, I purchased paint to antique a few items that I purchased for my furnishings.  I had coffee with some new friends and talked with a fellow at the retreat about his interest in theological studies.

I realized that for months and in fact years, my life has been upside down - that I have been shouldering one challenge after another and that fear of not doing enough or being enough became not only a motivator to keep going, but it had become so buried deep down, that when not in crisis, it bubbled up.

By choosing to stop the downward spiral, I was quieted to a place where I could literally stand upside down, knowing that I am enough.

The message of the day is to allow the messy upside down part of life become a metaphor for knowing that it's all part of the "plan".

From a new perspective,

Sunday, May 14, 2017

Remembering Mom

As  reflect on my Mom, I think of how lucky I am to have had a Mom who supported my interests and who enjoyed many of the same things that I do - music, fashion-she had a keen eye for color and style, food and the latest health info, being available to others in need.

Interestingly, I had planned on attending some service today, whether at the catholic church or another denomination and I was drawn across the street from my apartment to a building called the World University, one that looked just like the buildings at Graymoor,a beloved mount in NY that was home to the Friars of the Atonement.  As I drew closer to the building, there was a sign that stated "Church Entrance" and beneath was written - "Ecumenism, that all may live as one".  I had chills and immediately felt my mother's presence, as if brought to this place by her.  I had always loved the Graymoor Friars' mission, brought forth by Fr. Paul, the founder and the statement written by him was, "That all may be one".

In fact, when I developed the fund raising Power of One concert in Wellesley years back to support the local mental health agencies for suicide prevention, I used Fr Paul's statement.  Out of this was born our contemporary liturgical group and we played for many of the special masses, enrolling the younger folks into the music as an expression of their spirituality.

I felt guided by Mom and look forward to attending a service there which is once a month.  Today as people gathered, the service was cancelled due to the minister being ill, but I met and talked with some lovely people, all focused on a similar path of awareness and enlightenment.  It was refreshing, energizing and relaxing, all in one.

Just prior to going to the service, I went to the Farmer's Market, again meeting gracious people, local farmers, and was surrounded by music on each corner of the tents that were set up.  I was again reminded of how my Mom and I would take the train into Boston for the Saturday Haymarket farmer's market.  We did this during my college days since I was studying not only nutrition, but food purchase and preparation.

I purposely dressed in a blue print dress so that I could wear the bracelet that she made for me years ago - sapphire stones with some other pretty stones.  Sapphire is my birthstone and blue is about communication and connection with the angelic realms.

This evening, I feel complete, having done yoga, soaked in epsom salts with wintergreen and cypress and now preparing to do a little work before retiring.  My wish for all is that this day represents appreciation for all Moms, as well as other feminine energy and support in our lives.

With love,

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Disconnected But Content

It’s been a few weeks, as we (Ashley and I) have been packing and moving – Ash to Boulder, CO and me a week later onto Ojai, CA.  Oh, and I might add Tammie, our soon to be 14 year old shih-poo, also traveled via plane for her first time!

As we have navigated the busyness of preparing to move, things moved along quite well.  Long days and nights, but to be expected.  Altogether, we packed and hauled 45 boxes to UPS!  A few angels dropped in along the way.  An old friend found my card buried in his papers, reached out to connect and offered to help us pack – what a help!  My cousin then called to offer their SUV for the night before our flight and again, we could not have made this all work without these gracious and timely offers.

Tammie was really good for a high-strung dog, but we realized that she needed some form of sedative for our solo flight a week later – me, the bags and the dog!

Upon arriving to Boulder, we were once again mesmerized by its beauty and stayed in an adorable lodge at the foot of the mountain – comfy beds, so needed for the upcoming week ahead.  Once settled into Ashley’ apartment, I began receiving notices from UPS that I had provided a wrong address for my packages.  Indeed, I had transposed the numbers – I call it my dyslexic fatigue.  Spent a number of hours on the phone with UPS to fix errors and while we are missing 1-2 boxes, all in all, the move went pretty well.

Love the area where Ashley will be, love the program that she is involved in – a therapeutic model that fits our philosophy and lifestyle.  Each day bring new blessings into her life which of course feels multifold for me!

Upon arrival to Los Angeles, I had it perfectly planned – or so I thought.  Picked up my vehicle at the airport marina dealership, concluding that selling my car prior to moving, working with an agent to have the car ready to roll would make sense and indeed, this worked well.  Along the way from LA to Ojai, I had also ordered a daybed – the same one purchased for Ash – as it doubles as a decent mattress and a sofa.  Picked that up and after leaving, started for home.  Tammie and I arrived about 9:15pm.  Went to turn on the lights and nothing.  I chuckled realizing that I had made very sure that Ash was set for utilities, internet etc, but forgot about my electricity.  Now the installation for internet would be also delayed.

Luckily, I carry a tiny flashlight in my purse and we navigated the apartment quite well.  Think it is all those carrots that I consume that help the night vision!  In a humorous way, I felt like a pioneer and there was something a bit thrilling about being disconnected for a few days.  After two days, met my neighbor who graciously gave me an extension cord, a lamp and thankfully, I could make my morning coffee.  The next day, she offered me her wifi so that I could continue business as usual.
I’ve done skype (actually HIPPA skype called in Boulder, now Ojai and am keeping my schedule on EST for the month.

Life is falling into place.  I love being here – a small town of about 7500 people – and already feel a connection to the folks I’ve met.  While I will always cherish my home in Boston, it is time for a new adventure and a time to bring forth my gifts in a climate where integrative health is the norm.

Sending love and well-wishes to all,