Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Hitting Rock Bottom With Bouyancy

Home now for two days following surgery. Yesterday, it finally hit me that I was sick, that I had just had surgery, that I had the most painful wound dressing replacement in my life and even more so, that I could not run away from any of it! I've had years of challenging experiences, some quite traumatic. And while I've grown to see these as true gifts in my life, there was fear, pain and true uncertainty about my future, as I navigated these past circumstances. I lived with threats, was stalked and needed to move from my community because anywhere I went, I was followed. Restraining orders don't always work! I managed to keep my daughter and myself viable by working three jobs. During my second marriage, my husband took ill, lived in and out of hospitals for three years before passing and we needed to move six times in one community in order to make ends meet. A bankruptcy followed and then life began to fall into place once again. As my work-life gelled and felt really good, I also noticed that I was working 24/7 to keep up. The little voice inside said, "you cannot do this forever", but I did an override because for the first time, I felt that I was beginning to thrive and not just survive! So not true! There is such a thing as balance and that I did not heed. I am persistent, tenacious and stubborn (yuck!). I have a work ethic that any boss would love! It took being diagnosed with cancer and chronic lyme to have fear dissipate,to begin the process of balancing my life, to build a new life in a community that I've always dreamed of living in - by the ocean! And yet, while I was better at balancing, allowing myself joy and play, I was not really surrendering to these messages. Not until this violent staph infection knocked me flat on my ass! I've always had health, energy, ability to move and do. In fact, my older daughter calls me "tiny but mighty", and I've always relied heavily on my stamina. For the first time in my life, that was stripped away and I felt vulnerable, in pain, unable to really push my body. I have surrendered, cried lots yesterday, emptied myself so to speak. While I knew this would be temporary, it had to happen. Today, I feel grounded, back to being positive with a twist. In order to live, we must die to old habits, thoughts, behaviors. I have bounced back with bouyancy, a safety net from God. I know that I am well and will continue to heal. For today, I am grateful. with love, Julie

Sunday, July 27, 2014

In My Own Little Corner In My Own Little Chair

Sound familiar? A song from Cinderella. While it's been years since I've seen the movie, what came to mind is being here in the hospital and being able to finally sit in the chair. I feel so grateful, as it is only one day since surgery and I was sitting up last evening and was able to walk the halls (my track as I call it!). The pain left almost immediately and while the surgeon expected more pain from the incision, there is so much less pain than having the abscess and poison in my system. As I think about poison, I feel that I have gotten rid of poisons on many levels. My prior blogs lead up to this point. I've been transforming during this process and the final level is the physical - letting go of pain, pus, poison. It really did take being flat on my back to facilitate the speeding up of this process. Back to Cinderella. I have been able to really spend time with myself - not bored, but listening to what I want, need, dream of. I feel a renewed sense of life - that my time is truly now. All the things that most of us want in life are what I want for me - health, vitality, love, to continue my life-work and to have this in abundance - no longer pinching pennies to just get by. As I have said so many times before, I want to thrive, not just survive! Wishing you gusto in your day, Julie

Friday, July 25, 2014

The Gray Slate Chalkboard

So, I've been mostly disconnected for 30 hours - my computer went down, which is a lifeline for me to keep up with work, creativity, doing searches for my next steps etc. I came back into the ER at 1:15am Wed night, after developing a rash and then swollen leg, had further tests to determine that the abscess in my leg is growing and not shrinking. So now I am being scheduled for surgery and the intuitive part of me felt that this may be what it takes. I awoke this morning with still no internet connection and for the first time envisioned a clean, gray, old-fashioned chalk board. For me this symbolizes really starting from scratch, some of what the various energy/spiritual guides have been telling me these past few years. Instead of being afraid, I am curious - it is like really starting life over. Of course, I feel very badly rescheduling my clients - I love working with my clients and do feel a sense of letting them down, despite being unable to really do anything about it! I feel the mother guilt for my two girls, one who just moved with me to Marblehead - new town, new people,working, taking summer classes to start a new college in the Fall, an hour away from the hospital. My other daughter works a lot, has just finished advanced educational training, visits me daily and has been helping out as able with TT (Tammie), our dog. Ashley mentioned how she (Tammie) is a bit anxious with being driven to one house or another these past two weeks. Her Mamma is not home! As I talk with my girls, we openly discuss how terrifying it is to have their one parent in the hospital, and yet, given that we have lived as a single parent family for years, my girls are very capable and I continue to acknowledge their fear and anger, as well as promote these challenges as tools for them to use in their life work. While having my computer affords me these opportunities to reach out to you, my faithful audience, the lack of being wired held a special importance for me as well. I am being called to really start over, to dig deep inside and bring forth the wisdom and intuition that I have been told I've been gifted with. So, while I lay in pain, not loving that part, I am truly alive and open to the quiet messages. In peace and love, Julie

Saturday, July 19, 2014


"In every encounter or experience, there is the potential for gaining our enlightenment, the possibility of finding that one missing piece of the puzzle that brings about illumination. It is our own mind that determines the experience." Masaaki Hatsumi, 34th Ninja Grandmaster. "Initiation introduces us to the world as it really is. The process of initiation - our new found ability to appreciate the gifts of life, to face our challenges head on, and to deal with what is (rather than lose ourselves in a fantasy of how we'd like things to be) - that makes us awake, aware and fully involved in the life we are living." These are taken from the book, The Spiritual Practices of the Ninja. As I am re-reading these pages today, it is no coincidence that I do in fact, feel more enlightened in this moment and in this day. Over these past few days of unknowing, of finding out that while I've amazingly not been really ill since my diagnosis of leukemia just two years ago July 20, that my blood counts are very poor, I've come to really understand that I must redirect my course of action somewhat. What a humbling time. I gave two years to learning, navigating the alternative world, traveling to another country for the first time in my life and developing amazing spiritual and detoxifying practices that have changed my life and my practice style with my own patients forever. The twist for me, however, is in being able to recognize that while other parts of me are quite resilient and healthy, my immune system is not responding and thus the next course of action for me is to combine targeted chemotherapy with integrative practices - homeopathics and supplements, acupuncture, energy and spiritual work. What is also of interest is that I have always been the person who does combine the best of both worlds in my life work - traditional and non-traditional approaches to health and wellness. Another day of renewed satisfaction! Gratefully, Julie

Thursday, July 17, 2014

The Four P's: Pain, Purpose, Passion, Pleasure

I have heard this remark in various arenas, especially in the marketing world, but today, as I hobbled on my painful left leg, I drifted off into thinking about a different set of P's - Pain, Purpose, Passion and Pleasure. Pain was most likely the immediate to reaction to the moment at hand, but how often does it take pain in one of the dimensions - physical, emotional and/or spiritual - to move us toward the second P, Purpose! I know for me, I've had rough ideas all along of my purpose, but it took having illness and continued financial distress, to finally wake me up to my true purpose here on this earth - to inspire and support others, while (get this, as it is vital!) not sacrificing myself in the process. I met with a shaman, or old fashioned healer in indian and other ancient traditions, who noted that I had sacrificed myself in the process of healing others, not taking my own wellness into account. She gave me some rituals and prayers that I use to this day and what I find so interesting, is that the very prayers that I say bridge many spiritual traditions - christian, buddhist, jewish etc. A year later, I met with a woman who channels messages from the angelic realm and again, she had the very same advice, without ever comparing notes. She is a christian woman, but also works in the energetic realm, which for me, speaks my truth. The passion piece is easy - I absolutely love what I do and there is no division between work and play - they are so intertwined that I do not need to separate them. What has come up these past few weeks, however, is being deceived by old tapes of who we once were and the roles played out. I can at times, confuse passion with "my role", but now that I see this blindspot, it is getting easier to catch. Ah, the pleasure piece - not an easy one in my book, because, I, like many of my age, had chores to do, more important things in life to accomplish, before play was allowed. I no longer blame my folks, our school system or confusing society, but am learning my pace, what brings me pleasure and how to practice this on a daily basis. Still a work in progress, but coming back to the first P, Pain, it has slowed me down to contemplate, observe in the quietness

Stopped Mid-Stream

As I lie in my hospital suite, as I call it, I have so much time to ponder the events that have taken place since last Sunday. This has also been a wonderful opportunity to see the many gifts during the solitary time, communing with myself. Last week brought a culmination of symptoms to a head - mild fevers/chills, cough,headaches, extreme fatigue and progressing back left leg pain. On Sunday morning, I could not walk, felt faint and quite nauseas. We soon left for the ER at Newton Wellesley Hospital to find out what was going on. As is typical for me, there was no cut and dry explanation for the leg pain, while the rest appeared to be viral or general "bug". I was told by the ER doc that my blood cell counts warranted my staying for 1-2 days on antibiotics to slow down the illness. This felt fine, as I could not walk anyway and was unsure how I would negotiate the stairs at home. Over the next days, I had every test imaginable - xray, ultrasound, various types of MRI. Finally, it was concluded that I had a very large abscess deep in my left hamstring, that required aspiration and culturing if the antibiotics had not already killed the organisms. Here is where I began to listen to God's plan and not my typical Virgo, stubborn, rigid way of being - shall we call this gift! For the first time I recall, I cried that I did not want to be stoic any longer, that I wanted to be taken care of. Wow - what a revelation! I have created a life since childhood where I was capable, self-sufficient, admirable of course! No-one could really help me because I had my "shit together" even in the midst of utter chaos. In my tears, I felt a surrender, a softening, a humanness coming through. Later today, I was scheduled to have an ultrasound assisted aspiration of the deep abscess in my leg. While I really wanted to have this done to move onto complete healing, I felt vulnerable and afraid of the pain. Again, unlike the past me, who just last year had surgery with minimal anesthesia and the use of guided hypnosis, I was not having it! I asked the surgeon to please give me drugs! Of course, we negotiated on local and topical, but even he was surprised at how tender and painful my leg was. I even cried during the procedure. I have always had a high threshold for pain, but there has been an amazing shift in my presence during this week. I am softening into my humanness, allowing myself to be vulnerable and cry, and at the same time feel ever so grateful for being able to listen to God's message - while stopped mid-stream. Be forever grateful, Julie

Thursday, July 10, 2014

HBOT, Herx and the Left Hamstring

Knowing that the various detoxing treatments that I do - coffee enemas, baking soda and epsom salt baths, colonics at change of seasons, chlorella tablets, alkaline water - to name a few! - all have the capacity for causing a herx (herxheimer) reaction and I have certainly had these lovely, miserable feelings many times. To make it simple, a herx reaction may bring up symptoms that feel like the flu, headaches, muscle and joint pain, night sweats. It is the body's way of ridding itself from parasites, bacteria, yeasts and other inflammatory substances that do not belong in our health bodies! In our modern day, we have gotten so far away from recognizing that pain is part of the process of healing - instead we take a pill to numb the pain - or eat a bag of sugar-infused cookies to raise the serotonin level! I knew going into the HBOT (hyperbaric oxygen treatment), that I may feel poorly, but I must say, that after the first session, I felt so good - clear vision, clear head, good energy. As the week went on, I felt poorly and after this second session, boy, do I feel lousy. In addition to continued headaches, GI distress, night sweats and muscle/joint aches, my left hamstring is excrutiating. I am barely able to walk, sleep comfortably and sit for long periods. I also know that specific areas of the body represent emotional and spiritual issues, as well as does the side of the body. My pain is generally right sided - indicating financial worry, safety concerns, but the left has to do with relationships and surrendering. Before I even brushed up on the sides, I had already surrendered to my feelings of discomfort and did so with love and compassion for myself, instead of the old way of self-deprication. I cancelled fun plans, work (which I never do!)and I was open with everyone about my reality at this time. Wow - what a gift, what an improvement in learning to self-love - my relationship with me. This has been an ongoing process since my initial diagnosis of leukemia. Leukemia has everything to do with self-loathing, devaluing oneself, not allowing joy into one's life. This all makes such good sense and while I do not physically feel well in this moment, I feel such gratitude for the unseen gifts in my life! Always keep your eyes open for miracles. With Love, Julie

Sunday, July 6, 2014

The Migraine, the Dragon Fly and the Ah-ha

Ever since I can remember, I have been the social gathering person - for family, for church, for community, for work - you name it and I am there to organize and produce. With excitement and a bit of trepidation, I chose to gather family on July 4 this year. I was excited to show them our new home, to have family from near and afar gather with joy. As the day drew near, we were threatened with the hurricane that ended being a huge downpour, but nonetheless, and inside cookout rather than outside. It was truly fun to see everyone and yet, as the day progressed, I felt less and less well. Leading up to the day, my own energy and treatment symptoms have continued to wax and wane with some unpredictability - some days I feel great and others, I drag by. I have also entered a new phase of treatment with oxygen therapy, so who knows what to expect. For me, I can still want to be who I was and not who I am, whether that is temporary or long-standing. Hmm - a continual lesson to learn. Who am I NOW - not was I nor who will I be!!! The following day was one of complete exhaustion and a looming migraine. I enjoyed the company of family for a while and then later on, tidied up, walked and cycled a bit, listened to the band at the park and had an early evening. It felt good to slow my pace, to listen to what I needed and to be in nature - hearing the birds, seeing the ocean, feeling the warmth of the sun. When I went upstairs to my room, I noticed a dragon fly on my window screen. Having read Ted Andrews books on shamanic meaning and animal spirit guides, I took this as a sign and looked up dragon fly. Much to my interest, the dragon fly is about a time of transformation, a time of new and unknown occurrences. Was this telling or what. I had started down the trail of guilt and frustration, not being the dependable gatherer of all, but what I began to realize is that my life IS taking new shape - an exciting one at that! I love my life, I love what I do, I love where I am. Now, I will continue to set a new pace and choose those activities that keep me moving in the direction of the compass of my soul. With gratefulness, Julie

Thursday, July 3, 2014

Thoughts Become Things

Not my saying but I sure do believe this! We are brought into contact with people, places and experiences as we need them and if one pays attention to these occurrences, it is quite amazing, often seeming like a miracle! The trail of getting to this very uplifting website,, is interesting and holds such importance in my own journey. Upon meeting with my new Neuroscience rep, we discussed lyme - both of us have it - she knew of a chiropractor who was affiliated with a hyperbaric treatment center. As I mentioned in the last blog, I had been aware of HBOT for a few years now, no knowing of any centers locally. After comparing notes about philosophy with my new chiropractor, it was clear that we are also on the "same page" - again, no coincidences here. Two weeks ago, while at the NLP (neurolinguistic programming) conference, this very concept was once again discussed, as was in Germany a few years ago. Have some fun and think about having inspirational saying delivered to your desktop daily and start your day with positive energy - TUT (Totally Unique Thoughts). Happy July 4th - even if the hurricane does hit! Julie

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

HBOT - Back in My Awareness

Today was my first hyperbaric oxygen treatment. What a cool process! I had learned about this therapy back in my Joslin Diabetes days, for patients who had charcot foot and gangrenous lesions due to oxygen starvation as a result of diabetes. A few years ago, while searching for alternative cancer treatments, it was among the options available, given that cancer cells cannot live in an oxygen rich environment - conversely, they thrive in low oxygen or hypoxic environments. There were no centers in the area and I was pursuing other treatments at the time. Within the last two months, however, this treatment was brought back to my attention at least 3-4 times, thus I finally realized that it was time to seriously explore this option. I learned of a center close by from one of my colleagues and began the research process. In my own evolution,I intuit that my cells are still viable but my "generator or starter" is not catching. I liken this to the automobile that keeps turning but not catching. During these past few years, my intuitive sense has become richer and I am able to envision things, often quite accurately. As I sat in the chamber, I was instructed to unplug my ears, as if in an airplane, for about 15 minutes,as I went for the "dive" as it is called. Once at my level, I put on the oxygen mask and breathed in pure O2 for 1 1/2 hours. At the end, there was the "climb" back to normal pressure. Fascinating! I felt great - my vision was very clear and my head felt very clear as well. I take this as a good sign and am excited for my next dive! The take-away here is to listen to your gut when thoughts keep coming back to you and when people come into your life to teach you a lesson that is crucial for your next steps along the journey. With clarity in mind and vision, Julie