Friday, May 19, 2017

Upside Down and Learning to Love It

As I traversed this week, I faced many challenges - the stuff that is hard for me, the stuff that I don't particularly enjoy doing and the stuff that hits the cord of old tapes - "what are you stupid"-as my folks would say in frustration when I was young or "boy am I stupid" - the embodiment of early modeling that I took ownership for over many years.  This is not about blame - I know that my parents were really acting out of their own frustration and shame of not being able to help me, but when I am tired and stressed, old states of being rear their ugly head.

First it was the bank and quickbooks not communicating due to a state address move, then it was dealing with my professional licenses and how to pay state taxes in another state.  Later on, it was about setting up my laboratory accounts for assisting my patients from afar.  Computer set-up is not my forte and I'd much rather be talking with patients, networking with professionals and taking time to smell the flowers!

It's also been painful dealing with my Dad who chooses to remain angry, stating how he needs help, but will not allow me in.  The double messages that I've received for my entire life are impossible to interpret and I find myself saddened, yet also accepting of a relationship that will never be.

It sure didn't help that my organic mattress that I ordered was on backorder and Tammie and I have been roughing it on a thin daybed mattress on the floor. Oh, my aching joints!

OK, enough complaining.  What I found during this time was that I started into old patterns - fear of not getting my work up and running, overworking in all areas, feeling like I will never catch up.  As this grew over the week, I got a migraine, I felt exhausted and while I was walking daily and getting to yoga most days, I was still caught in the trap.  Life felt upside down and I was spinning out of control.

The ahha came this morning.  My mentor, coach and dear friend, Dr Heather Ensworth, reached out to check in and I emailed my lament along with knowing that this too would pass.  I then went to yoga and met an amazing teacher, Rosemary Garrison.  As it turned out, we had a private session and she asked what I'd like to work on.  I mentioned my fear of being upside down and that I've never been able to do a headstand, even fearing being supported in this posture.

I still had a migraine, but somehow felt drawn to tackle this posture.  I was curious about what being upside down meant to me.  We worked up to the headstand and before you know it, I was up there with very little support and it felt amazing!  I left there almost migraine free.

As the day unfolded, I decided to explore a bit and to take time to "smell the flowers", so to speak.  What a beautiful town, a wonderful day in many ways.  I visited a spiritual retreat, then went to the local church to check out music ministry.  After that, I purchased paint to antique a few items that I purchased for my furnishings.  I had coffee with some new friends and talked with a fellow at the retreat about his interest in theological studies.

I realized that for months and in fact years, my life has been upside down - that I have been shouldering one challenge after another and that fear of not doing enough or being enough became not only a motivator to keep going, but it had become so buried deep down, that when not in crisis, it bubbled up.

By choosing to stop the downward spiral, I was quieted to a place where I could literally stand upside down, knowing that I am enough.

The message of the day is to allow the messy upside down part of life become a metaphor for knowing that it's all part of the "plan".

From a new perspective,
Julie

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