A Beautiful Walk

My usual routine is to start my day with yoga, but today, I really wanted to walk with Tammie before the super cold settled back in.  It was invigorating and by the time we reached Fort Sewall, the snow was starting.

I love this spot along the water.  Up the hill to the left at Fort Sewall, is one of my favorite trees.  It is sturdy, has many limbs and stands majestically overlooking the harbor.  Trees for me have such meaning - life, stability, roots, adaptable with the seasons.

As I walked, I felt refreshed and renewed, feeling so grateful for having this time living in Marblehead.  I had dreamed of being here back in my 20's - my folks grew up in Lynn, not far from here - and I visited usually riding my bicycle through town.

While life has been anything but stable since I arrived, I nonetheless continue to love its natural beauty and my feeling of safety here.  Soon, I shall leave this lovely town, but the memories and connections I have made, will ever stay with me.

I've cycled through town and around the neck; I've kayaked the harbor; I've created a health series on the cable television; I write for the newspaper;  I worked on creating a 501 (c) 3 retreat and while it did not come to fruition, I learned so much about the process; my daughter was married at Crocker Park and we enjoyed an intimate wedding and party at our condo banquet room overlooking the breath-taking harbor; I have developed amazing relationships with healers, two in particular who are worth checking out - http://www.risingmoonhealingcenter.com/ and http://www.truefreedom.blue/.

In fact, I could not be on the path that I am now with such confidence without the amazing support of both Dr. Ensworth and Kristina Landry.  I am truly grateful.

Lastly, my daily journey usually includes yoga and I have found such strength, grounding and support at The Yoga Loft, here is town.

With warmth and gratitude,
Julie

Letting Go: A Process

As I sit at my local Whole Foods, awaiting an inspection on the sale of my condo, I am recognizing the various emotions that I’ve held over these past few weeks.  I came in from shredding documents at Staples – Mom and Dad papers that are no longer needed.  I will weave in more on shredding a bit later.

Nothing in our family happens gradually – there is generally a flurry of major events, often converging at the same time.   This feels reminiscent of my life and the image that comes to mind is from Beauty and the Beast, when Beast is stabbed, about to die and suddenly, his body is morphed through time and space becoming a heavenly sight.

Now, I will not pretend that I am a heavenly sight – I’ll leave that to any beholder, friend or family – but the morphing aspect, shall I say metamorphosis, really resonates with my process this last number of years. 

I used to joke about not ever wanting to look into my crystal ball 30 years ago, because who knows if I would have signed up!  Knowing what I know now, I would say,” yup, I’m in”, but if I were looking into this unknown future, hmm, I may have been quite afraid.

Life, God, faith – all have given me tools to persevere. Coupled with a curious desire to look within, to do my work, to look at my less than ideal qualities – I have created an environment for growth.

Today is the day my Dad was to make his decision to move to senior housing and unfortunately, after a lot of effort to make this a reality, he has refused.  I have felt angry, sad, unable to control things and today, I am peacefully letting this go, even though the future may be filled with less than desirable outcomes. I realize that I am not in control of my Dad’s fate or destiny, that God has created a plan that will reveal itself at a later time.

This brings me to the process that I have been in with my Ashley over these last number of months.  While hoping and looking forward to an exciting senior year in college, the path took another turn, one that is now showing more hopefulness and a light at the end of the tunnel, yet nonetheless, one that has born pain.

I mentioned shredding and this has such significance in my life over these past two weeks, as I chose to shred files that I held onto for 27 years, beginning a year after Lindsay’s birth.  It was during this time that my husband’s illness really took hold and after months of begging for couple’s work, we separated and a long, very frightening period of time overtook our lives.  I was stalked, threatened, held three jobs to pay bills, was pulled into court numerous times.  I often slept with the phone in one hand and my keys in another and at times, had to flee to stay with friends.

Many people told me to write a book, to share this for a movie and I held onto this metal file box for years. 

Following Ashley’s birth, seven years later, we endured a different set of circumstances, not scary this time, but very sad, overwhelming and financially devastating all over again.  While I held onto files, there was not the movie material, but “proof” of my gullibility.

Shredding these documents felt so healing and cathartic because I really get it.  This is not about me being “right” or “righteous”, but it is about understanding that every experience in life and every person we come in contact with, is a child of God or Spirit or of the Universe, meant to help us to heal, to vibrate at a higher frequency.  (God is no longer the man with the white beard, but is this loving universal energy).

This process of letting go will continue and I will write more as I learn and peel the layers of my onion, but for now, I am filled with peace and gratitude.

Namaste,

Julie

Illness: Mind and Body

As I write this entry and article, I am choosing to look at not only the endemic aspects that pervade our society, but the intimate challenges of facing mental health challenges within my own family.

Upon doing my own “work” over the years, I have learned that I was born a very sensitive being, one who absorbed much of the negative energy that surrounded me within my family system.  At a young age, I learned to read others’ feelings and actions quite well and would do anything to gain safety and approval.

While there is the “blessing” in this, as coined in the Ennaegram (an ancient way of looking at personality), there is also the “liability”, in that I was emotionally unprotected, learning how to survive at a very early age.  This story will ring true for many.

As a result, I attracted needy people into my life, knowing how to care for them, helping them to feel loved, supported and able to function.  There was an aunt with bipolar who often stayed with us and I loved her, connected with her and became one of her caretakers later in life.  I went on to marry two brilliant and charismatic men with similar tendencies, my second husband tragically dying from a brain injury.  As I’ve continued my self-discovery, I see the lineage in my father and some of his family.

Interestingly, I am now faced with my younger daughter experiencing a major life crisis at age 21 – not an uncommon time for self-reflection, fear of the future, wondering “who I am” and “what am I meant to do” – the big existential questions.  I have taken on this challenge that she faces coming from a very different place this time.  There is no fear, no anger, no resentment, but instead, a deep compassion and desire to really assist her in working the mind-body-spirit components.

Given who I am personally and professionally (I often state that they are rolled into one with no separation between my personal and professional self), I have sought out professionals who view life with a wider lens, taking the best of each discipline and allowing the suggestions to sift, with those revealing themselves that “feel” right.

Our path has been to use traditional therapy, extensive labs (I am awaiting the full genome results), shamanic clearing, mind-body therapies such as yoga and meditation, medications, supplements and psychoanalysis.  None of these broader approaches and long-term programs are insurance covered.  Looking at some of the labs, there is a significant vitamin D deficiency, a snp (single nucleotide polymorphism or gene abnormality) in MTHFR – these can lead to significant depression in some. 

Backing up a bit, my daughter was born into chaos – a Dad who was ill and died when she was four years old, multiple moves due to financial distress, my illness and disability with a move to a new community followed by my hospitalization for many months.  We needed to move from our last community where we had a very strong connection to our faith community for financial reasons.  We have had occasional visits back to sing and be part of this congregation, a place that I often referred to as my second home! 

My daughter has also experienced minor neurological challenges over the years that improved dramatically with high dose fish oils, probiotics and a special diet used upon food sensitivity testing. 

Bringing together the elements to create the perfect storm, our family is yet again faced with an “opportunity”, one that I know will be a healing one, wrought with pain on all levels, yet one that can bring about healing for others when the time is revealed.

I continue each day to feel blessed for the many gifts – supportive friends and family, life lessons that I choose to see as opportunities, my convoluted education (traditional dietetics, functional medicine, counseling and psychology, yoga, reiki), my unending desire to learn more about myself and others – and the list could go on.   I thank my spiritual mentors from a variety of traditions and for me, Jesus, is an example of how I want to live life.  I grew up learning about him and while I draw upon other spiritual traditions, I know his examples best.  I also find yoga to be an essential, grounding force in my life.

May you explore with an open heart and curiosity, the many lessons that life brings.

With love and blessings,

Julie

A Month Can Feel Like A Lifetime

I have deliberated over the past few weeks about sharing or not sharing, as I use my blogs and website for education, empowerment and connection, not for sympathy.  I also share my process in my blogs and to not share this intimate aspect would leave me and you without a complete picture.

Since November, my 21 yo daughter has been struggling with significant depression, anxiety and suicidal tendencies.  While in some ways, this feels like it came on overnight, while in others, it has been brewing for a while.

Those of you who have followed me since the beginning of my blogs, know that I started this section as an extension of my process of dealing with cancer, recovery, loss, financial devastation and rebuilding of life.  I've done this now three times in my adult life and with each challenge, I feel stronger, more empowered, unafraid and knowing that I am meant to share in a larger capacity.

I witnessed mental illness in my family at a young age, with an aunt who would often stay with us when she was unwell.  As a child, it was often frightening, but as I grew older, I loved my aunt and became one of her support persons later in life.  I went on to witness mental health challenges with my two husbands - two intelligent, charismatic and gifted men, troubled with chemical imbalances.  Tragically, my second husband suffered a brain injury, lived in institutions for 3 1/2 years before his passing.

My older daughter experienced six suicides in her high school class and my younger went on to become a peer mentor for Adolescent Wellness in our community.  We as a family,  took the challenge of mental health, as an opportunity to assist others in need.

One may ask how, why, what happened?  While there are many possibilities and theories, what is most important at this time is to acknowledge the fragile nature of the brain, and to seek approaches for healing that address all levels - mind, body and spirit.

I find myself once again seeking the bridge between both worlds - conventional medicine and integrative medicine.  I have sought out programs and people who will address this in a manner that meets our philosophical needs.  While no easy solutions exist, optimism, a collaborative spirit and support from family, friends, colleagues, make this process possible.

Each day I learn more about myself and about others and while there can be discomfort when talking about depressive disorders, it is no different from any illness.  It's all about finding the balance.

Never give up on finding a way - finding your way!
Love
Julie

The Symphony

While listening to music en route to UMass, bringing Ashley back for her last semester, I began to think about the conductor of a symphony and how carefully each part and player is chosen.  Once musicians are chosen for a part, much time is spent rehearsing the part over and over again until it is flawless.

Next comes the blending of the orchestra – parts, timing, crescendos and decrescendos, emphasis on one part over another, interpretation.  The list could certainly go on, but my point is made.  I then began to think about my work as a parent and clinician, sometimes both, as my girls have always asked me to be active and pro-active in their care.  It can be a delicate balance with how much involvement to have with patients and family alike.

I’ve generally toggled this space very well and what I’ve noticed as I’ve grown and matured, is that I no longer hold onto the outcome as I once did.  In my earlier years as a young healthcare professional, I was intent on healing the world and being right in my conclusions, often researching beyond my scope of practice (I still do the research-it’s part of me!).  I no longer need to be right, but instead, follow my intuition, stepping in when necessary and backing off as well.  In the end, I visualize the outcome being positive, then let it go, much like a baby bird in flight.

This new phase, wiser phase of life, feels so much more rewarding, as I am not caught up in my ego, but rather keeping with the intention of desiring the greatest good for all.

Older and wiser,

Julie

Red and Blue Make Green

What a week it has been - tension, excitement, trepidation, polarization - all wrapped up together.  As I observe the news, my friends, family and clients, I find myself able to maintain a feeling of calm, peace and knowing that we are all where we are supposed to be in this place and time of evolution.

During my astrology class this Fall, there was discussion about the rising of the divine feminine once again, moving away from the patriarchal  time in history.  Indeed, there is to be unrest, uprising, dissent and disagreement as the energy begins to shift.

I believe this is a time for new beginnings, for transformation and as most who know me would say that the glass half full rather than half empty.  I often pause to try to understand my opponent, to bridge the gap bringing both sides together, and my prayer and wish for this next four years remains the same.

As I listened to the commentary regarding the election, I was struck by the colors of the parties - red, Republican and blue, Democratic.  I began to think of the chakra colors and associated energies - red is root, fire, earthly energy and survival, and blue is between the 4th and 5th chakras with varied shades of blue regarding healing, communication and using intuition.  These energies seem on point with the goals of the respective parties, each providing necessary tools for living.

While exploring these meanings, I began to think about blending, bridging and voila, realized that when one mixes red and blue, the color green emerges.  Green is the color of the heart - the chakra that allows humans to feel love and give love to all.

Moving forth, my focus and intention will be on the color green and its association with love.  May you "be love" to all you meet.

In gratitude,
Julie

Connections: An NPR Discussion

I characterize myself as an NPR junkie and am often in the car, pulling out my pen and a scrap paper to scribble notes fueling my blog ideas.  Today was no exception.  I am passionate about education and learning, wanting to help my clients understand their unique learning styles and today, the discussion brought up key points that are so important for us all to embrace.

Education is moving in the direction of being more collaborative and experiential, but since traditions change slowly, most educational environments still measure achievement by how much book learning and memorization one retains. 

What was refreshing to hear is that younger folks have an immense amount of knowledge available at the click of the mouse and that the successful learner will know how to navigate the web, knowing that information is available on the subject that is being learned.  Another key point is that students (and that refers to us all) must rely on others’ expertise in some areas, lending to a more collaborative way of learning.  This collaborative approach will facilitate more connection and as humans, connection is key for survival on each level-mind, body and spirit.

The emphasis of today’s discussion was on the 4 P’s:

Passion – find something you are passionate about to learn

Project – create a project in order to learn about the discipline

Peers – work with your peers – more ideas, different points of view

Play – use your imagination and don’t get hung up on perfection – it will thwart the creativity

As always, my hope is to inspire others to find ways to feel good about themselves.  I hope this blog does just that!

With love,

Julie