As I sit at my local Whole Foods, awaiting an inspection on
the sale of my condo, I am recognizing the various emotions that I’ve held over
these past few weeks. I came in from
shredding documents at Staples – Mom and Dad papers that are no longer
needed. I will weave in more on
shredding a bit later.
Nothing in our family happens gradually – there is generally
a flurry of major events, often converging at the same time. This feels reminiscent of my life and the
image that comes to mind is from Beauty and the Beast, when Beast is stabbed,
about to die and suddenly, his body is morphed through time and space becoming a
heavenly sight.
Now, I will not pretend that I am a heavenly sight – I’ll
leave that to any beholder, friend or family – but the morphing aspect, shall I
say metamorphosis, really resonates with my process this last number of
years.
I used to joke about not ever wanting to look into my
crystal ball 30 years ago, because who knows if I would have signed up! Knowing what I know now, I would say,” yup, I’m
in”, but if I were looking into this unknown future, hmm, I may have been quite
afraid.
Life, God, faith – all have given me tools to persevere. Coupled
with a curious desire to look within, to do my work, to look at my less than
ideal qualities – I have created an environment for growth.
Today is the day my Dad was to make his decision to move to
senior housing and unfortunately, after a lot of effort to make this a reality,
he has refused. I have felt angry, sad,
unable to control things and today, I am peacefully letting this go, even
though the future may be filled with less than desirable outcomes. I realize
that I am not in control of my Dad’s fate or destiny, that God has created a
plan that will reveal itself at a later time.
This brings me to the process that I have been in with my
Ashley over these last number of months.
While hoping and looking forward to an exciting senior year in college,
the path took another turn, one that is now showing more hopefulness and a
light at the end of the tunnel, yet nonetheless, one that has born pain.
I mentioned shredding and this has such significance in my
life over these past two weeks, as I chose to shred files that I held onto for
27 years, beginning a year after Lindsay’s birth. It was during this time that my husband’s
illness really took hold and after months of begging for couple’s work, we
separated and a long, very frightening period of time overtook our lives. I was stalked, threatened, held three jobs to
pay bills, was pulled into court numerous times. I often slept with the phone in one hand and
my keys in another and at times, had to flee to stay with friends.
Many people told me to write a book, to share this for a
movie and I held onto this metal file box for years.
Following Ashley’s birth, seven years later, we endured a
different set of circumstances, not scary this time, but very sad, overwhelming
and financially devastating all over again.
While I held onto files, there was not the movie material, but “proof”
of my gullibility.
Shredding these documents felt so healing and cathartic
because I really get it. This is not
about me being “right” or “righteous”, but it is about understanding that every
experience in life and every person we come in contact with, is a child of God
or Spirit or of the Universe, meant to help us to heal, to vibrate at a higher
frequency. (God is no longer the man
with the white beard, but is this loving universal energy).
This process of letting go will continue and I will write
more as I learn and peel the layers of my onion, but for now, I am filled with
peace and gratitude.
Namaste,
Julie
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