Valentines Reflections

Happy Valentines - at least that's how I am feeling upon the ending of my day.  But leading up to it, there was a little tug and awareness of the hype and societal pressure that goes into being with someone and if you're not, what a loss.

I had my moment last night as I thought about my relationships that just didn't go as I had hoped and dreamed.  Sadness took over for just a bit and then I realized how much I have learned, how much I have grown and how much more I know about who I am and what I want and who I want to be with.  Wow - now that is a mouthful!

What I really gleaned from these few sad moments was how I learned as a young child that it was not okay to be pampered, not okay to be given to and that what was expected was to take care of others and to make others happy.  As children, our beliefs are ingrained by the age of 7.  How many learned this same lesson - many of us!  And it can take a lifetime or much of it, to undo these beliefs, recognizing that it truly is okay to want reciprocity in love.  What I also realized is that is was also a bind for my partners because given my belief system, it would hard for anyone to know how to give to me!  My husbands truly have and had beautiful qualities and talents - it just wasn't meant to last a lifetime and tragically, my second husband died after suffering for over three years.

As I've said so many times before, this is not about name and blame, but is truly about choosing to put the history where it belongs - in the past - and to choose the life that YOU want - to thrive and not just survive.

I had learned the beauty of giving to others and I gain great joy in seeing the twinkle in one's eyes, the shear happiness of giving a romantic or just loving surprise, but what I had not learned was how to give this to myself.

Last evening, I lit my beautiful himilayan salt candle, made my tea, watched a few movies and slept in an extra hour this morning.  I went to my usual yoga class on Sunday.  I call this class, St Yoga Loft, as I truly gain my spiritual uplift from Jaishree's class, especially when she and her husband sing.  I went to Whole Foods to purchase a yummy lunch just because and I baked brownies for my upcoming television spot on the local news announcing my cookbook.  I sang and played guitar and boy does my Martin sound heavenly since being fixed and ready for musical engagements.

I feel loved, satisfied and thank my past for showing me the way to my present.  May you feel loved too!