Happy Anniversary – An Interesting Perspective

Anniversary of what.  Of my descent into acute illness that brought me to Newton Wellesley Hospital, followed by surgery, chemotherapy and a whopping reaction to chemo.  That was two years ago.

I’ve always been sensitive to anniversaries of any kind – weddings, deaths, other happy or sad occasions, but this one marks a time of reflection of my emotional style, my way of coping with continued movement in a forward direction.

I’ve also recently learned more acutely that I intellectualize rather than feel.  Part of this I recognize being a Virgo!  The other part is how I lived in my family – one which looked ideal on the outside while there was a lot of chaos on the inside.  Being an only child, I leaned on my best friend and to this day, she brings me to my senses about what life was really like.  Intellectualizing and seeing both sides has certain benefits, but when it comes to processing, this style can inhibit moving through in order to come to a place of balance.

I am just feeling the reality of how crazy things were two years ago.  I not only needed to sell my home due to finances from being ill, but my Mom died, I moved to a place where I’ve always wanted to be, but needed to re-establish my practice.  Within three months, I was in the hospital, sick, out of work and now faced with figuring it out once again as a single parent.

My coping style was to re-vamp my website, to do yoga every day in the hospital, to begin my blog, to write for the newspaper, to learn how to use skype and forge ahead.  While this has been wonderful in so many ways, I did not allow myself time to feel sad, mad and afraid.  Nope, not my style!

What is interesting is that I am a solid support for my family, friends and clients, allowing them to feel held and heard in my presence.  I now realize that I also need this and sometimes do not allow it into my life for fear of being “weak”.  I had been feeling apprehensive about this two year anniversary, reliving the moments leading up to it, but today, I feel that I have broken the chains that bound me.  I am moving ahead in a more balanced fashion and it feels so good!

May you always learn about who you are with curiosity and self-love.

Julie

Conscious Communities: From Our Body System To The World

Just back from a weekend seminar with Bruce Lipton, a traditionally trained biologist who “saw the light” and became as he calls it, a spiritual scientist.

I first heard of Bruce Lipton while doing alternative cancer treatment in Germany in 2012.  While quantum physics was not an entirely new concept for me – I had been intrigued with this back in the 70’s – I became deeply involved in learning more about the recent advances in this area of medicine, healing and spirituality.

I have so much to say on this topic and may take each section over the next few weeks, but I will start with the “body system” because it is what brought me so much more seriously into using these concepts with my own clients.

Our internal environment – digestion, metabolism, brain chemistry and more – all reflect what we eat, think and absorb from the external environment, coupled with our genetic make-up and expression of those genes.

When this environment is out of balance, we are prone to not feeling well and potentially disease, which can take a long time to manifest.  I quickly recall working at Joslin Diabetes Center in the 90’s and the debate at the time was about high blood pressure and predictability of diabetes.  On the one side, researchers were stating that these were uniquely different diseases, one being cardiovascular in nature, while the other, metabolic.  Other researchers were stating that these body systems were intimately connected and that the high blood pressure offered clues and some predictability.

For lack of a better word, who do you think was correct?  If you guessed that there is a relationship, you are indeed, correct.  High blood pressure is often a precursor to being diagnosed with Type Two diabetes about ten years later.

We are coming back to a time in medicine, science and religion, where the human organism and no less, the entire planet is known to be connected with that which is both seen and unseen.  I will not take this forum to discuss religion per se, but will use spirituality (the world of the unseen), as part of this process toward understanding connectedness and its importance for the vitality of the “organism” (human being or planet).

I continue on this path today, knowing in my heart that how I use my mind – staying present, re-programming the belief system that I learned as an infant and young child – is the key to creating balance, health and vitality for me.  While I have personally turned over many stones, there are those few core ones that often show up, not wanting to leave.  This is the conditioning that becomes part of the automatic response, a response that is not even recognized because it is the sub-conscious driver of thoughts and actions.

How do I use this in my work?  It depends on who I am working with.  There is a time of readiness for us all.  There are repeating patterns of suffering that can bring one to finally recognize that things are not working as we wish.  It is the surrender (dying) of the old, that can bring about the new.  For some, it may be leaving processed foods behind and choosing organic, non-GMO foods that truly nourish the body, while for others, it is becoming aware of the negative self-talk that sabotague’s ones’ efforts to not only change for self-love, but because this is truly what the person wants, not family, friends and co-workers.

Step one for me is to become present to each person who walks in my door.  Step two is to listen without filters, judgement or pre-decision about the outcome.  I truly believe that healing is possible for all.  It is a journey and I am honored to be a facilitator in the process.

Part two will discuss the initial place within to begin – the gut microbiome.

“Gonna Build A Big Fat Beautiful Wall” then “Bomb The ___ Out Of ___”

I’m not a political person, but was brought almost to tears while listening to NPR the other day.  As I continue my own journey of physical, emotional and spiritual healing, I see so clearly that it is divisions, seeing one as separate, that brings about misunderstanding and ultimately war – whether within oneself, families or among nations.

This separateness has been created as a way to control, whether it be the self, other people, animals or the earth itself.  When will we listen?  Fear, corruption and increasing diminution of resources is heightening both war and increased awareness – both happening at the same time!

A few weeks ago, I listened to another interview on NPR with Padrig O’Malley, and Irishman who has devoted his life to speaking about a different way to peace, one that has been stated by other great men and women, but one that easily gets pushed under the rug when fear is heightened.  He spoke about all needing the same resources and that killing and using force is not the way to peace.  It reminds me of a wonderful book, Power Vs Force – a must read about raising one’s vibrational energy for total healing, as well as having an understanding of the hierarchy that exists among those at the top and the bottom.

I share these few snippets with you to stop, go inside and remember that we are all connected.  These connections have even been traced scientifically in the quantum physics realm.  Check out Greg Braden, Bruce Lipton, Deepak Chopra.  After doing the cognitive peace, settle into a meditation with healing music that aligns the chakras of energy centers and focus on connection and peace.  It can heal each person and the world.

In Peace,

Julie

Humor In The Humanness Part “ “: I’ve Stopped Counting

Well the day has arrived for Ashley to return from her year abroad in Amsterdam and I am here at Logan, patiently waiting, catching up on the never-ending work (but I do love what I do-serving others!).

Interestingly, this day is also accompanied by a 24 hour urine test – one of the many tests that I repeat to see how my treatment plans are going and to adjust accordingly.  Fortunately and unfortunately, I continue to be one of those mystery patients who has puzzling issues, labs to show abnormalities, yet no easy course of identification.  I say both fortunate and unfortunate because I continue to live and manage well above and beyond expectation AND I can identify and feel such compassion for the countless clients who end up on my doorstep with similar challenges – different illnesses but also ones that do not fit neatly into our current medical paradigm.

Well the humor is captured by needing to carry my “jug” and the accompanying catch cup and glove in order to be sanitary in the process.  Given that I am also in one of my gut flares, I am chugging water to initiate “rotor rooter”, you know, moving that poison out of the body!

Well, the company provided two jugs for those who urinate a lot, but it is not even half-way through the day and I am into the second jug.  Oh my, what to do!  Additionally, I was unsure if I was going to need to go through the pat-down in order to meet Ash, but thankfully, there is a large meeting area outside of customs, so no frisking for today.  Phew!

Feelin good, excited and just needed to share the intricacies of modern healthcare.  It certainly requires a sense of humor in order to take care of oneself, otherwise, you’ll get sick from the angst and anger.

On the road to health and well-being,

Julie

Deprive, Survive . . . Thrive

I've used this term for many years, knowing that I truly wanted to make my way from Point A to Point B, but somehow kept getting lost in the midst of chaos, crisis and one emergency after another.  I've spent time in therapy, doing spiritual work, energy work - all moving me in the right direction, yet not quite making the mark yet.

During this past few weeks, chaos abounded on many levels - first the mechanical stuff broke down - computer, phone , car; then there was a pause button on the health report card - was Hairy Cell back or is it something else; for the first time the answer was no from the bank when I requested an increase in my equity line.  Then of course, there is watching over my Dad as best I can with support and compassion as he struggles with the inevitable aging process.  Wow - what a few weeks!

Well, all the mechanics are back in order, I do not have cancer, but do have some "other process" that has been known but unidentified for years, but hey, huge relief to not have the big C A back!  And, while the bank explained the "no", what they did say is that because I have had impeccable credit, I was able to get the loan last year and if my trend continues upward this year, I will be able to increase it next year.  I want to help my daughters achieve exciting things with assistance - a wedding later this summer and wheels for living off campus in the Fall.

Money has been a theme since childhood and it is a key metaphor for the many ways that I have lived in survival mode, yet wanting to thrive.  Most recently in my own discovery with an amazing spiritual counselor, we looked hard at the circumstances surrounding my birth and early years.  Much of my recollection has been blocked, knowing full well that this is a sign of deeper "stuff".  I'll only touch briefly on examples and plan to use more of this in a women's circle later this summer,

My Mom had an asthma attack during my childbirth process, left gasping for air and frightened.  My Dad had an episode of breaking furniture and losing it due to his own fear of change.  My early memories were of fighting, a lot about "money" and Mom, a beautiful seamstress, made many of my clothes, even out of old curtains!  She told me how the doctor put me on a strict schedule for bottle feeding and I had lots of "tummy issues" right from the start.

As life went along, I rarely asked for things that I wanted, as it did not feel right or OK to express a want, but desserts, food and going for ice cream after chores well done was what we did as a family.  There were money problems and my savings and bonds were cashed in for part of the rescue but the money never returned.  I recall needing to be in silence at the dinner table, in the car - no giggling or typical child-like behavior was considered acceptable.

I've tended to minimize the effects over the years, stating that I had food, clothing, shelter, but never sat in front of the mirror (part of the exercise I do now) to look into the eyes of my child self.  Wow, what an experience.  I am beginning to see so much that I had not been able to or was not ready for in the past.

It took these two weeks of combined "stuff" to really get me off my "____" in order to reach out and begin to demand of myself, standing in my worthiness, owning my value as a clinician and recognizing that I need to get paid for my services.

Before I was ill, I took the leap into private practice because it was part of my dream and I was becoming quite successful - balancing the responsibilities of being a business owner with single motherhood.  Life was going well!  Then sickness took hold.  As the income drained, I needed to sell my home, downsize, but I did move to where I've always wanted to be and continue to love it here!

As is in my nature, I started networking, building relationships, but there were roadblocks - the referral landscape had changed.  Doctors now had an allegiance to the hospital services, thus my pool was drying up.  A few months after the move, I became ill, hospitalized and mostly out of commission for months.  I had not really looked at my "numbers" until the bank told me about my ratio of income to debt.  OMG, what a reality check.

I have implemented strategies to "push me" where I have always resisted and I am holding myself accountable.  It feels strange, very uncomfortable, awkward, yet good, because I am really moving mountains.  I am stepping into my power and honoring who I am and what I have to offer.

My gift to you is my story - one of process, integration and continued perseverance.  Never give up on YOU - I won't!

With love,
Julie

In His Eyes

This title has been with me all week, in fact for a few, but now, I am compelled to write about a topic that affects so many of us - aging, dementia, losing touch.  While exhausted from being up until 5am when my Dad finally arrived home safely, I continue to experience a myriad of feelings, mostly gratitude that he is okay.

My Dad was an amazing person with knowledge in many areas.  He could fix anything - electrical, mechanical and he was very creative with woodworking and remaking junk into something functional.  He was very intelligent about a wide variety of topics,but as the years have progressed, his world has become smaller and interests, limited.

After my Mom died, it became even more apparent that the dementia that he was diagnosed with many years ago, was taking hold more voraciously.  He has been getting lost more often, increasingly confused about dates and times, yet, there are also times of immense clarity.  In general, we hear the same stories over and over again and even his doc, a lovely and compassionate physician, has noted that he should begin curtailing some of his adventures in the car.

A few weeks ago, we were together for an overnight and as I looked into my Dad's eyes, there was a stark change - they seemed more blank, more empty - a feeling of losing who my Dad was came over me.  While it has not been easy to connect with Dad throughout much of my life, I do have fond memories and an appreciation for what he has been able to give me, also recognizing that he came from such dysfunction and instability in his own youth, knowing that he truly has done his best.

For me, I am usually able to put on my "clinician hat" and understand on a cognitive level, but when the child steps in, I feel sad, frustrated and somewhat helpless at how to help.  My Dad has always been independent - wonder where I get that from! - and there are the good/not so good aspects of being so damn independent.

It is very obvious that Dad needs some help at this stage and yet the walls are way to high to climb.  Last evening as we departed from a joyous family occasion, I took Dad to his car, directed him on the highway and went north as he went south.  When I checked in a few hours later to make sure he was home, he was lost.  Back and forth we went for hours,he not knowing where he was, until he recognized that he had traveled all the way to Rhode Island.  I called the state police at that time, then the cell lost service for a while.   All in all, he was on the road for 11 hours, arriving home at 5am.

Today, I am a bit numb - some laughing, some sadness, a lot of exhaustion - a lot of gratitude that he is safe.  Tomorrow is a new day and my hope for all who follow my blog is to stay in the moment, being thankful for the gift of each day, knowing that time will pass.   As you look into the eyes of another, feel love and compassion for that person and be sure to hold onto some for yourself - you'll need it for the ride of life.

With love,
Julie

Happy Mother's Day: To All Women

Today is the day to honor our mothers and for me, I like to honor not only my Mom, but all women because nurturing comes in many capacities.

I began my day as usual, finishing the week's bills and billing for my business, while listening to my jazz station.  It was soon time to go to my exercise class.  I've recently decided to do more cross-training since my strength is slowly coming back (from the dead it feels like!).  I was brought back to reminiscing about the days when Mom and I would go to the House of Health in Lynnfield for our exercise, sauna and steam.  We would head out for a healthy dinner afterwards.  She always loved joining in on activities that I was involved in.  My mom had struggled with her weight for her entire life, but was eager to go to the exercise groups or be a part of weight management classes that I taught.  She became one of my "groupies".

A few hours later,it was time to get ready for the 5pm mass back at my old church, St John's.  Our "rock band", as Fr Tom used to call us (and he loved our group) was playing at this mass in preparation for Tuesday's Confirmation.  This, too, had become a tradition for many years.  I usually cantored the 5:00 mass on Mother's Day and we would go for dinner following mass.

As I dressed for mass, I put on a beautiful turquoise blue pin and earrings that Mom had picked out for me years ago.  She always gave me such fashionable jewelry and scarves and even today, I received compliments on my set.  She had an eye for fashion and as children, Lindsay and Ashley preferred Grammy to pick out clothing and accessories.

Mass was beautiful and the music so appropriate.  In fact, Mom's all-time favorite song was chosen for the Offertory, Here I Am Lord.  Instead of feeling sad and emotional, I beamed with happiness and felt her loving presence while we sang.   My Dad has continued to support us, loving to come to St John's when I sing there and it was comforting to have him there with Lindsay.  Ash texted me a bunch of flowers as she completes her last trip in Spain while studying abroad in Amsterdam.  Time is getting close for her arrival home - and we are so excited!

As I continued to think about Mother's Day, I remembered my wonderful mother-in-law, Mamon, as I called her.  She was a loving woman with so much wisdom and while she spoke Polish more fluently than English, we had a nice bond.

Throughout the day, I thought of my beautiful daughters, Lindsay and Ashley, and how they have grown into caring and loving adults, each embarking on exciting futures of their own.  I feel blessed and send love and thanks to the many women in my life who have provided support, caring and love to me and my family.

Lovingly,
Julie