Sunday, May 15, 2016

In His Eyes

This title has been with me all week, in fact for a few, but now, I am compelled to write about a topic that affects so many of us - aging, dementia, losing touch.  While exhausted from being up until 5am when my Dad finally arrived home safely, I continue to experience a myriad of feelings, mostly gratitude that he is okay.

My Dad was an amazing person with knowledge in many areas.  He could fix anything - electrical, mechanical and he was very creative with woodworking and remaking junk into something functional.  He was very intelligent about a wide variety of topics,but as the years have progressed, his world has become smaller and interests, limited.

After my Mom died, it became even more apparent that the dementia that he was diagnosed with many years ago, was taking hold more voraciously.  He has been getting lost more often, increasingly confused about dates and times, yet, there are also times of immense clarity.  In general, we hear the same stories over and over again and even his doc, a lovely and compassionate physician, has noted that he should begin curtailing some of his adventures in the car.

A few weeks ago, we were together for an overnight and as I looked into my Dad's eyes, there was a stark change - they seemed more blank, more empty - a feeling of losing who my Dad was came over me.  While it has not been easy to connect with Dad throughout much of my life, I do have fond memories and an appreciation for what he has been able to give me, also recognizing that he came from such dysfunction and instability in his own youth, knowing that he truly has done his best.

For me, I am usually able to put on my "clinician hat" and understand on a cognitive level, but when the child steps in, I feel sad, frustrated and somewhat helpless at how to help.  My Dad has always been independent - wonder where I get that from! - and there are the good/not so good aspects of being so damn independent.

It is very obvious that Dad needs some help at this stage and yet the walls are way to high to climb.  Last evening as we departed from a joyous family occasion, I took Dad to his car, directed him on the highway and went north as he went south.  When I checked in a few hours later to make sure he was home, he was lost.  Back and forth we went for hours,he not knowing where he was, until he recognized that he had traveled all the way to Rhode Island.  I called the state police at that time, then the cell lost service for a while.   All in all, he was on the road for 11 hours, arriving home at 5am.

Today, I am a bit numb - some laughing, some sadness, a lot of exhaustion - a lot of gratitude that he is safe.  Tomorrow is a new day and my hope for all who follow my blog is to stay in the moment, being thankful for the gift of each day, knowing that time will pass.   As you look into the eyes of another, feel love and compassion for that person and be sure to hold onto some for yourself - you'll need it for the ride of life.

With love,
Julie

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