Sunday, August 27, 2017

Stuck In The Throat

As I am reading this chapter in Navigating Life With An Open Heart, I stop to ponder the words of feeling stuck in the throat.  A flood of images come to me:  forbidden to speak up “or else”-little child; do I lie because my parents told me to or do I do what my gut tells me-3rd grade; do I tell Dad how humiliated I feel when he chaperones dances in my 7-8th grades and cuts in dancing with me while I am trying to be with my friends-he thinks it is funny and I want to explode, but must maintain composure; how do I save my life when Dad is holding me by the collar saying he will kill me-11th grade;  how do I speak up in court when my estranged husband is staring me down with his cohort of friends telling lies about me and threatening to make it financially impossible to survive, to take our daughter away, to ruin my reputation at work and in life-age 31.

I’m getting it now – my body feels tight, I want to burst into tears and I am thinking, I want to sing my songs.  I want to share this spiritual connection with others, while soothing my own hurt.  It passes and I am brought to this symbolic day – my anniversary to my first husband-so talented, yet so troubled from his own experiences; it is the day when I miscarried my twins at 6 ½ months-they are with me in spirit and I believe have been given to me as Lindsay and Ashley; it is the anniversary of Lindsay and Scott’s first year of marriage.  How ironic they did not know the other events, but for me, it closes a circle of love.  I will reach out to my husband today as I have over these years, with an intention to heal the hurts between us in this life, always hoping to make it ok.  I do not blame him because I see now with an Open Heart, that my inability to “speak up”, led to confusion and misunderstanding.  

I also know that this is part of my stuff :
I was the glue that kept Mom and Dad together and wedge that kept them apart, I am the one who bridges two worlds in my work life, I am the one who tries to create peace when tension is high, I am the one who hosts for all-poor, friends, family.  Yet, is this truly me or just an aspect desperately seeking connection?

Ah, the continued exploration. And, it is all perfect and is all beautiful.

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