Reflections on Father's Day

It was an emotional time coming up to this weekend - recognizing what is, what is not and what the fantasy has been.

I generally find balance in seeing the good and not so good in situations, however, when pain strikes, it cuts like a knife.

My Dad has been a good provider over the years - a dutiful man providing the basic needs for food, clothing and shelter.  I am thankful for that.  And he was very supportive during my years as a single Mom, coming to the girls' events and driving my Mom down to babysit.  I know that he loved me in his own way.

On the other hand, my Dad held very high expectations, was explosive and not emotionally available. Discussions of feelings or opinions were never allowed - that was considered disrespectful.  Sitting around the dinner table to talk about the day did not exist - there was to be silence.  and yet, I know that my Dad loved me in his own way.

And as the years have gone along, there is more silence and withdrawal.  I so have longed for connection, for approval.   As dementia continues to take over, he prefers not to talk on the phone and requests that I email him.  When we do speak, there is not the reciprocal interest in how I am doing.  And yet, I know my Dad loves me in his own way.

As I talked with Lindsay earlier in the week, she was very saddened by the fact that Grampy had no interest in her visiting.  She feels sad and angry.  I then somehow feel responsible to "fix it", yet I know that I cannot and it is not my job.  Ugh - the pain deepens as the week goes along.  And yet, I know my Dad/her Grampy loves us in his own way.

I cried, reflected, prayed on it and what came to mind were the other men in our lives who have filled in the void where Dad has been unable to.  Jamie, my dear friend, has been there for me and my family through the dark days and the brighter ones.  Fr Hehir and Fr Tom from my old parish and Fr Steve from Graymoor - all provided guidance, support, love throughout the years.  And for my girls, there were some wonderful male influences who were able to provide what Dad was unable to give.  And yet, I know my Dad/their Grampy loves us in his own way.

How does one reconcile the struggle - I do not have all the answers, but I do know that acceptance is key.  In each perceived negative event or feeling, there is an opportunity for healing, for understanding and most importantly, for moving on.  Today is a new day, one filled with promise and gift.

Be honorable, be respectful, be loving and know that you are loved!