I’ve been on a hiatus for a little over a month now from all social media communication. I finally hit a necessary rock bottom, as one might say, or my version of it!
Those of you who have followed my blog since its creation at the Newton Wellesley Hospital in 2014, know that the journey for these past few years and actually for a lifetime (upcoming in my book, the personal story), has been anything but easy. And you also know, that I view these challenges as opportunities and gifts to share with others – family, friends, clients and colleagues.
It is not that my life has been any worse or better than another – it is about finding the meaning in a situation and how one responds. I learned at a very early age that in order to navigate my family life and life in general, I needed to take care of others, no matter what; I needed to solve problems using my intellect; I needed to avoid feelings AND I needed to KNOW what to do and how to respond in crisis.
It became me – my persona. Or is that me? Hmm.
This Dark Night for me was about not knowing, especially what I want and deserve. Those have been suppressed as they have for many of my generation. How dare I want, deserve, need!!! During this time, I often walked (thank God the weather following the fires and flood has been beautiful) or sat with Tammie in my beautiful little studio, crying, feeling aimless, not producing (as I would define it).
And then this morning, I awoke to the question, how does one define success? In our culture, we often look at credentials earned, money made and savings in the bank or the fancy car, house or two, kids who graduated from a prestigious college. Well, I can attest to the first, but the others have been out of my reach. Why?
It is an interesting combination of answers that I am looking at. When I look at cultural ideals, I can feel uncomfortable and squirm a bit, but as I fledge my wings, beginning to really tap into who I am, I know that the discomfort comes from my innate sense of being undeserving, topped with societal measures.
As I begin to know me, I want the quieting of my mind that allows peace to flow in, to embrace the unknown with comfort and ease and to truly know that All Is Well!
Peace be with you today and always,