Sobering Experience: No Direction

Day five in the hospital and I am actually glad to be staying today. I am very tired and my body is swelling by the minute or so it feels! It was another night of low blood pressures, extra IV's of fluids and nurse/doctor visits. Upon seeing my primary team doctor this morning, the good news remains that I've had no fevers or signs of infection and my rash, although no better, has not extended. What has extended or shall we say distended, is the abdominal and thigh fluid retention. It is so uncomfortable and when the oncologist arrived, he asked for daily weights and tracking my urinary output. He explained that the allergic process allowed my capillaries (little blood vessels in the body that act as accessories to arteries and veins) to become leaky and fluids are accumulating in spaces where they do not belong. He is not alarmed by this and neither am I. He also stated that the chemo drug along with my illness causes certain proteins in the blood to be less available to control the fluid shifts. While there is no imminent danger to my situation, it does require close watch and each day I understand why I need to be here which is fine. I accept this and realize that any well-made plans at this time are not worth holding myself accountable for. A very new and recent lesson learned - planning and organization are great, but being flexible is imperative! There are two areas where I found myself full of emotion, thus needing time to just process and grieve. My best friend from the second grade's daughter is getting married this Sat as I have mentioned before, and I so wanted to be there. I have already told her that I will hopefully make the church, but am unlikely to "dance the night away" with my old friends and her family, who I've known for so many years. As we talked today, she told me that she would be unable to look at me while she walked down the aisle because she would cry - we sobbed together on the phone. It took me a while to accept that while I so wanted to enjoy this time together, it was not likely to be as I wanted. It is sad. I am sad. While the doctor was explaining the aspects of the effects of chemo making me even more immuno-compromised, he also asked that I stop taking all of my supplements. He explained that probiotics can have a negative impact in my situation, although they are fine when I am not in this state and am focusing on gut health. I could accept this, but he showed disinterest and a general lack of knowledge about the other support that I rely on. Rely on, rely on . . . I felt a flush of anger, distrust of wanting to accept his credability and then I remembered that part of my struggle was about hanging onto those areas that I could control, where I was the expert. I felt no direction and for a moment, quite vulnerable. Even my body was doing its thing - leaking and blowing up! Soon I began to think of my reaction and realized that it is only a few days-weeks before I am out the woods, so to speak, with regard to being suppressed in my immunity. It is time to surrender to being taken care of, letting go of control and just letting life be as it is. While tired and not my usual "positive polly", I feel human, humble, safe and grateful to be here. The take-away today is to always observe, listen and pay attention to our reactions - they mirror so much about our internal thoughts and beliefs. With humility, Julie