Par for The Course vs Part of The Process

When my Mom was ill for the past few years, passing away just about one year ago, she always exhibited such courage and strength in her fight to be well. She wanted to attend the activities for her grandchildren and managed to do this during their last year of high school and college. Mom was on oxygen, in a wheelchair by this time and remained in Rehab due to not being well enough to go home. Mom had many health challenges during her life, but she always minimized her symptoms and was the "good patient", was well-loved by her health care professionals. Since I was a child, I would hear her use the phrase "par for the course" and as time went on, I realized that it was her way of resigning herself to the conditions with which she lived in many areas. While there was an admirable side, I also felt frustration at her not learning to use her voice. Fast forward. It is now three days since my release from wound vacs, chemo packs, pic lines and I am back here as an inpatient at Newton Wellesley Hospital. I sailed through chemo without a hitch, felt quite good in the process and when it ended, began to feel poorly again. Symptoms worsened over the next few days and I knew that I would need to be in touch if my fever went over 100.4. It only went to 100.2, but on Thursday when giving myself my daily neupogen shot, I noticed a rash on my trunk. I've had rashes many times in my life, thus it did not alarm me but I called as I was told to do. The nurse asked me to come in today just to be evaluated and I felt thankful that I did not have to pack up last night. I went on to have a very miserable night - sweats beyond belief, headache, chills etc and when I awoke, the rash had not only traveled but it was bright red and hot. Went to CVS for Benedryl as I had a lump in my throat as well and did not want to anaphylax on my joyous 1-1 1/2 drive! I partly planned for the just in case, gathering Tammie's needs and leaving them for the Pet Hotel if we needed it. I pulled my necessary supplements and stopped anything unnecessary as who knows what I am reacting to. Of course, I came with my computer to do some fun and work-related activities as I want, giving myself permission that if I do not want to be working on things, that is is OK - a new behavior style for me and not quite comfortable but better! My nurse practitioner took one look at my rash and said, "I believe that you will be admitted, but let me check". I actually feel better being here, with caring and smart folks working on my mysteries as they seem to present. As I reflect on my health history, much of it has been convoluted, not direct and I shared how I develop rashes over a few days and not instantly as my body's MO. I will visualize cutting the ties to historical influences being part of my present and in fact, was reading about that this morning in my Spiritual Practices Of The Ninja. The exercise today was about cutting energetic ties to past people, ways of being etc, that no longer serve our purpose. No coincidence here! I've been poked, probed, re-started on antibiotics and will be watched to see if this rash and fever resolves. While I never had hot flashes, I feel very sympathetic to those who have - I have two large loads of laundry ahead of me when I get home. I am not ruffled or afraid. I do want very much to be well and to participate in life again. My best friend from the second grade daughter's wedding is next Saturday and I did shed a few tears with her on the phone about how I want to be there. There are so many people from her family that I grew up with and love. I will visualize this as well. I've continued to look at these challenges over the past few months as a process with curiosity and not resignation. I do thank my Mom for being a role model for strength in the face of despair and thus and not comparing this as a right or wrong way of viewing life. My Mom gave me tools that she did not have and I have had the curiosity to not want to repeat that part that draws energy and sucks life out of people's desires. If there is a lesson in this all, look at your process. Is it really YOUR process or a belief system that was handed down to you. Be open, be curious and be fearless! Onward, Julie