Chemo: Day Six of Reflections

I awoke to a sunny and much cooler day today. Sundays are the day to do the bills and billing for my business. I was prepared to do this before we would take our walk. With files and piles still around, I had a moment of the "old me" having angst about getting it all done, being able to check off the list in my head. Quickly, I observed, breathed and let it go, knowing that it will happen as it is supposed to. Something that I've observed about my long-term behavior pattern is that I feel a need to finish tasks before allowing myself a break - this was a childhood pattern and I have found that it often takes the enjoyment out of the process. I would also judge myself if I wanted to stop a task and go onto something else for a while. Judge, judge and more judging - that was my past - and will not be my future! Of course, I do a lot of self-talking, hoping that no-one is watching! I would also check the clock frequently, always feeling that tasks should take me less time than they would. Today, I finished the billing, walked with Tammie, took our rest and did not even check the clock. As I continued with filing, webinars and organizing, I did not watch the time or judge how I completed my tasks. It felt enjoyable to go with the flow. This evening, I thought about wanting to wash my hair, but realized that I really cannot accomplish that task on my own. I'm a pro with the hose down, but I will need to be a week without a hair wash. I've already decided how to fix my hair for the next two days - my new Marblehead baseball cap tomorrow and on Tuesday, the fidora that Mom and Dad bought me in the islands a few years ago. I will be stylish, even in the face of flat hair! Getting ready to read and hit the sack, as I must be out early for the final touches of the water damage repairs in the morning. By Wednesday, I will detached from my chemo pack and will have my home back in order. I feel satisfied and grateful! Lesson for all: stop the little voice in your head that brings you down, that creates anxiety, that judges you and tells you that you are not good enough. It is so not true! In positivity, Julie