Untouchable and Fake

As I listened to my Spirit and Song songs, a contemporary spiritual collection, I began to sob while listening to "Bread For The World", written by Bernadette Farrell. It brought back so many memories of being part of the choir, contemporary music groups and finally the leader of the Contemporary Music Ensemble at our church. This community was a safe haven, a fun place, an area where I could teach, give, lead and be a member for the many years where outside, life was insecure, frightening at times, always with a twist of challenge. My tears grew to the point where I felt like I might pass out, but knew that I would not. It was cleansing, albeit painful. I wanted to say "I'm sorry" for using this venue to be good, look good, hold a place in heaven, BUT, my throat chakra let me know that I did not need to say sorry, but to stay connected to the pain of transformation, to also be so grateful for being willing to look at and increase awareness about my actions in the world. Rapidly, information came into my mind - The Velveteen Rabbit (which I've talked about in former blogs), perfectionism as protection, my upbringing. As I sort it out, I am even more aware how my upbringing led to perfectionism and that this separated me from others - always practicing to be better, but not really engaged with others because they may find out the truth - I'm really not perfect! The Velveteen Rabbit - a great read even for adults! - the skinhorse being stripped of his outer beauty, was really beautiful on the inside and had meaning just for being! While I've touched on these themes over and over in my life, I felt it on a visceral level yesterday, integrating the body-mind-spirit aspects even more. So what does music have to do with all of this! I've been singing since grade school, have excelled with having a pretty voice and as I grew, I developed a real affinity for spiritual music of all types - classical, contemporary, christian, jewish, buddhist. If it has meaning and an interesting sound, I'm sold! But why have I not been singing much this past year and half? I could say illness and that is certainly one reason - I've not had energy, time, and at times, even the lung capacity to sing without becoming dizzy. But there was more and I think I've found part of this reason. I felt fake - as if my singing was a way to make others think of me as perfect, good, worthy. After all, a church singer has to be good! I feel that I peeled that layer yesterday as painful as it felt. I do love spiritual music, I do have a good voice and I have been/am a conduit bringing the message of God and inspiration to others. My mission may have started with self-protection even without knowing it, and my mission continues as part of who I really am. How that will play out, I'm still not sure, but just for today, I feel content with accepting those parts of myself that I may not like or have liked yet have learned to love. My wish for you is to allow the rise and fall of the wave of feelings, as intense as they may seem at times. You will not crumble, you will not die, you will be more real, just like the skinhorse! Peace, Julie