Stopped Mid-Stream

As I lie in my hospital suite, as I call it, I have so much time to ponder the events that have taken place since last Sunday. This has also been a wonderful opportunity to see the many gifts during the solitary time, communing with myself. Last week brought a culmination of symptoms to a head - mild fevers/chills, cough,headaches, extreme fatigue and progressing back left leg pain. On Sunday morning, I could not walk, felt faint and quite nauseas. We soon left for the ER at Newton Wellesley Hospital to find out what was going on. As is typical for me, there was no cut and dry explanation for the leg pain, while the rest appeared to be viral or general "bug". I was told by the ER doc that my blood cell counts warranted my staying for 1-2 days on antibiotics to slow down the illness. This felt fine, as I could not walk anyway and was unsure how I would negotiate the stairs at home. Over the next days, I had every test imaginable - xray, ultrasound, various types of MRI. Finally, it was concluded that I had a very large abscess deep in my left hamstring, that required aspiration and culturing if the antibiotics had not already killed the organisms. Here is where I began to listen to God's plan and not my typical Virgo, stubborn, rigid way of being - shall we call this gift! For the first time I recall, I cried that I did not want to be stoic any longer, that I wanted to be taken care of. Wow - what a revelation! I have created a life since childhood where I was capable, self-sufficient, admirable of course! No-one could really help me because I had my "shit together" even in the midst of utter chaos. In my tears, I felt a surrender, a softening, a humanness coming through. Later today, I was scheduled to have an ultrasound assisted aspiration of the deep abscess in my leg. While I really wanted to have this done to move onto complete healing, I felt vulnerable and afraid of the pain. Again, unlike the past me, who just last year had surgery with minimal anesthesia and the use of guided hypnosis, I was not having it! I asked the surgeon to please give me drugs! Of course, we negotiated on local and topical, but even he was surprised at how tender and painful my leg was. I even cried during the procedure. I have always had a high threshold for pain, but there has been an amazing shift in my presence during this week. I am softening into my humanness, allowing myself to be vulnerable and cry, and at the same time feel ever so grateful for being able to listen to God's message - while stopped mid-stream. Be forever grateful, Julie