Hitting Rock Bottom With Bouyancy

Home now for two days following surgery. Yesterday, it finally hit me that I was sick, that I had just had surgery, that I had the most painful wound dressing replacement in my life and even more so, that I could not run away from any of it! I've had years of challenging experiences, some quite traumatic. And while I've grown to see these as true gifts in my life, there was fear, pain and true uncertainty about my future, as I navigated these past circumstances. I lived with threats, was stalked and needed to move from my community because anywhere I went, I was followed. Restraining orders don't always work! I managed to keep my daughter and myself viable by working three jobs. During my second marriage, my husband took ill, lived in and out of hospitals for three years before passing and we needed to move six times in one community in order to make ends meet. A bankruptcy followed and then life began to fall into place once again. As my work-life gelled and felt really good, I also noticed that I was working 24/7 to keep up. The little voice inside said, "you cannot do this forever", but I did an override because for the first time, I felt that I was beginning to thrive and not just survive! So not true! There is such a thing as balance and that I did not heed. I am persistent, tenacious and stubborn (yuck!). I have a work ethic that any boss would love! It took being diagnosed with cancer and chronic lyme to have fear dissipate,to begin the process of balancing my life, to build a new life in a community that I've always dreamed of living in - by the ocean! And yet, while I was better at balancing, allowing myself joy and play, I was not really surrendering to these messages. Not until this violent staph infection knocked me flat on my ass! I've always had health, energy, ability to move and do. In fact, my older daughter calls me "tiny but mighty", and I've always relied heavily on my stamina. For the first time in my life, that was stripped away and I felt vulnerable, in pain, unable to really push my body. I have surrendered, cried lots yesterday, emptied myself so to speak. While I knew this would be temporary, it had to happen. Today, I feel grounded, back to being positive with a twist. In order to live, we must die to old habits, thoughts, behaviors. I have bounced back with bouyancy, a safety net from God. I know that I am well and will continue to heal. For today, I am grateful. with love, Julie