Out Of The Woods AND Beware!

It's been just about two weeks home from the hospital and the only residual complaint is a constant itch that reminds me of my last dog, Krissy, known as the "itchy dog". Krissy was the love of our family's life and while she lived to the ripe old age of 18, she had skin allergies that made her scratch incessantly. I've come a long way - can now see clients in person - wow, not just over skype! And yesterday, I got my doctor's blessing that I can actually shake hands, hug and kiss people once again. Watch out - I've been sorely deprived! Why? My blood counts are finally moving in the right direction on their own - no pills, potions or shots. I was ecstatic at the news and could not wait to call my family and share this with them. Many sighs of relief and giggles of joy! As I drove from the hospital in rush hour traffic, I realized how tired I still can be and it brought to mind the title of this blog. Yes, I feel that I am out of the woods, but as my doc told me, this will be a full year of being immunosuppressed. While the old me would dismiss such a warning, the new me is taking things in much more of a balanced stride. I have learned over these past few months that my energetic desire and capacity to do had also led to my illness because I did not listen to the subtleties of my body and brain becoming burned out, overtaxed, inflamed. I just kept going for years, never giving in. I am so aware that my new ways of being are still that - NEW - and that means that I must continue to practice balance, putting rest, play and joy-filled activities into my every day. While these next few months will be the "beware" season, I do believe that I have learned this lesson in life and remain so grateful to be here to practice. My wish for you all is to take each day as a gift and plant your personal garden with peace, fun and joy!

Feelin Creative In The Kitchen: A Little Thai/Asian Fusion

Feeling creative in the kitchen and craving a thai/asian flavor without the carbs, so check out my Paleo Chicken Wrap with Orange Sauce. It's been a while since the creative juices have been flowing, although I always love my food - colorful, healthy, texture-filled and satisfying. Saute diced chicken, minced ginger, the white parts of the bok choy, diced carrots in grapeseed oil. Wrap in a coconut wrap from Julian Bakery. Bake 400 for about 5 minutes to brown. Oven roast chopped red peppers with salt in a little grapeseed oil, turning to brown a bit. Dice the green tops of bok choy for salad greens. Sauce: blend 1/4 orange (peel and all), dash red pepper flakes, 1 tsp sesame oil, 1 clove garlic or 1/8 tsp powder, 1/4" piece ginger, 2 Tbl gf soy sauce Garnish the wrap, greens and peppers with the sauce and sprinkle with sesame seeds. Delic! Enjoy, Julie

The Bike Ride: Like No Other

Today I awoke with more energy and a desire to really take that bike ride that I have yearned for since my staph infection and subsequent hospitalizations in early July. Over this past few days, I have been wanting to take the bike out - after all, I have no contraptions left - the wound vac, the chemo pack, the larger bandage on the leg. While being free of these, my energy just did not support the desire and so I listened - a relatively new behavior for me. As I rode along at a moderate pace, I was keenly aware of colors, sounds, the gentle breeze on my face and while I always appreciate these things in nature, there was something more acute about today's experience. I was allowing these natural elements to really penetrate me. My pace was deliberate - not off to prove that I was back in tip top shape - but to be at a pace where my body blended with nature. This is the essence of achieving a spiritual connection with all that is! I have been voraciously listening to philosophy and re-aquainting myself with all the mystical greats - Jesus, Buddha, Ghandi, Mother Theresa - reaffirming that I am on my path and that this road less traveled has been for good reason. Backing up a bit, ever since the leg surgery in July, my surgeon encouraged me to walk, walk, walk, despite pain and discomfort. And I did! I love to walk and I am not one to sit back on my laurels. Each day, I was able to go farther, until Tammie and I reached one of my favorite parks - Fort Sewall. My other favorite park is Chandler Hovey or better known as the lighthouse park. I would eye Chandler Hovey, yearning to ride my bike there which had become a ritual since Spring. Today was that day! How exhilarating to cycle to the other side of the harbor, to sit and look over and see where I've been and where I am at this very moment! I so appreciate my body for having the innate ability to heal despite curve balls. I feel grateful, blissful, energized and capable. Just for you - take these words, close your eyes, roll your shoulders back and down and breathe deeply for a few moments. When settled, repeat these very words for about 5-6 times slowly. Open your eyes slowly and bring them with you - Just for Today! With gratitude, Julie

Yoga: Back On The Mat

It was a rough few days - still losing water and up about every 1/2 hour at night to visit the bathroom and constant itching from the residual rash. Poor me!!! Despite life, I was able to maintain a sense of gratitude along with some feelings of being "beaten up". I was still able to walk with Tammie by the ocean, I was able to see the beauty in nature AND I have learned to use nature as a grounding opportunity for myself. Being recently certified in yoga, I receive updates on classes that are upcoming and restorative yoga was being offered this past weekend. I was excited to do this form of yoga because it is gentle, mild stretching, lots of breathing and just an opportunity to feel nurtured. Since the class offered was in Boston, I decided to google closer to home. Voila, there was a class available and I decided to go - fatigue, itch and all! When I arrived and prepped for class, I noticed that we were doing vinyasa - oops - what did I get myself into? I decided to go with the flow - how appropriate for a yoga class. I observed my thoughts and part of me felt nervous about being able to do any postures - after all, I've not done yoga in 2 1/2 months, have been cut up, laid up, puffed up! I also noticed that I felt a bit angry because I hurt. As the class went on, I was able to do so much more than I expected and the breath-work felt so good and energizing. I was able to adjust for poses that I cannot do as yet and I did not judge myself for not being where I was - ready to start teaching a mere 2 months ago. About 45 minutes later, we moved into the restorative part of the class and it felt amazing. I finished class, felt energized, clear and calm - those feelings that I crave from yoga. What I also learned from this experience is that while I had attended the yoga training to teach, I feel very comfortable not being in the driver seat, not being the leader or teacher, but am very content in this moment to be the spectator/participant. I am allowing things to come to me more and more, and am refusing the need to always be the leader. What a shift in consciousness. This past week, there have been many situations where I would normally get into networking gear, but am choosing to be the spectator and to just enjoy the experience. There is a physical shift when I am aware as well. Instead of being "on edge", sitting up with tension, I am sinking into the seat with comfort, feeling relaxed and connected to the earth. Yoga has been one of many venues to allow me to shift and I am so grateful for the tools at my disposal. Try a class, learn to use breath as a way to be in the moment in a relaxed state and don't judge yourself. With prana, Julie

Happy Birthday to Me!

Well, I am not usually one to think about my birthday, but this year feels different. I've been home from the hospital not quite two days and have spent much of the time in the car back for check-ins at the hospital. Slowly, I am coming back from this. While the rash has died down, the swelling is a slower process, but I am making good progress! I awoke in the middle of the night anticipating the birth time of 5:07, when my Mom delivered now 57 years ago! I was feeling excited and so grateful. One might wonder why the excitement and gratitude, but for me, being alive, able to do my daily walks along the beach with Tammie, are so enriching. It was a brisk, but beautiful day today. I find these days that I am so drawn to really seeing the beauty in nature. There is a tree across the way, but in perfect view from my window and the shape is beautiful, the leaves so green, soon to wither and prepare for next year. The harbor offers glistening sunrays on the water like jewels. Every day, I repeat how much I love being in this "playground". Of course, next year, I plan to actually play in the playground - kayaking, swimming, learning how to paddle board. But for now, my mind's eye takes in this breathtaking sight and I sigh another thanks for having this day! Be grateful, see the beauty that life offers us all, Julie

Day After Down

It's not even 24 hours since my last blog entry, but I feel an impetus to share as I listen, process, feel. While yesterday did not feel good, there was much for me to listen to: wishing for things to be different, feeling out of control of my body's reactions, wanting to maintain some control and "knowing or expertise", recognizing that "relying" too much on anything, even that which is good for us is not balance and indicates that further listening and allowing to happen is needed. Wow! Can I be thankful for the "down days". Yes, indeed, for without them, we have nothing to compare, no color to life. This morning's awakening was better, as I did get a few hours of real sleep. It is truly amazing what sleep does for us and although on the intellectual level, I can recite the hormones and neurotransmitters that are impacted by both good and poor sleep, none of that matters when it comes to feeling - a place that I am residing in more often these days. As soon as the mind starts to take off with its thoughts, processes, plans, I am now more often than not, commanding myself to STOP, BREATHE, ASK HOW I FEEL. It is a compelling, yet so simple technique to quiet the mind. In addition, ADD A VISUALIZATION OF SOMETHING PLEASANT. I recently researched photos of Natural Killer cells because these are very lower in my blood due to illness. I found a beautiful colored photo that was taken by electron microscopy and the colors were the densities of those aspects of the cell - a real cell! I made a copy of this, have it by my bed at home and am now using it as part of my visualization, imagining these cells coming down through the top of my head, multiplying and permeating my body. All the while, breathing deeply and smiling with happiness and gratitude. Works for me! How can we tolerate the "down days"? Know that there are better days to come! Smiling, Julie

Sobering Experience: No Direction

Day five in the hospital and I am actually glad to be staying today. I am very tired and my body is swelling by the minute or so it feels! It was another night of low blood pressures, extra IV's of fluids and nurse/doctor visits. Upon seeing my primary team doctor this morning, the good news remains that I've had no fevers or signs of infection and my rash, although no better, has not extended. What has extended or shall we say distended, is the abdominal and thigh fluid retention. It is so uncomfortable and when the oncologist arrived, he asked for daily weights and tracking my urinary output. He explained that the allergic process allowed my capillaries (little blood vessels in the body that act as accessories to arteries and veins) to become leaky and fluids are accumulating in spaces where they do not belong. He is not alarmed by this and neither am I. He also stated that the chemo drug along with my illness causes certain proteins in the blood to be less available to control the fluid shifts. While there is no imminent danger to my situation, it does require close watch and each day I understand why I need to be here which is fine. I accept this and realize that any well-made plans at this time are not worth holding myself accountable for. A very new and recent lesson learned - planning and organization are great, but being flexible is imperative! There are two areas where I found myself full of emotion, thus needing time to just process and grieve. My best friend from the second grade's daughter is getting married this Sat as I have mentioned before, and I so wanted to be there. I have already told her that I will hopefully make the church, but am unlikely to "dance the night away" with my old friends and her family, who I've known for so many years. As we talked today, she told me that she would be unable to look at me while she walked down the aisle because she would cry - we sobbed together on the phone. It took me a while to accept that while I so wanted to enjoy this time together, it was not likely to be as I wanted. It is sad. I am sad. While the doctor was explaining the aspects of the effects of chemo making me even more immuno-compromised, he also asked that I stop taking all of my supplements. He explained that probiotics can have a negative impact in my situation, although they are fine when I am not in this state and am focusing on gut health. I could accept this, but he showed disinterest and a general lack of knowledge about the other support that I rely on. Rely on, rely on . . . I felt a flush of anger, distrust of wanting to accept his credability and then I remembered that part of my struggle was about hanging onto those areas that I could control, where I was the expert. I felt no direction and for a moment, quite vulnerable. Even my body was doing its thing - leaking and blowing up! Soon I began to think of my reaction and realized that it is only a few days-weeks before I am out the woods, so to speak, with regard to being suppressed in my immunity. It is time to surrender to being taken care of, letting go of control and just letting life be as it is. While tired and not my usual "positive polly", I feel human, humble, safe and grateful to be here. The take-away today is to always observe, listen and pay attention to our reactions - they mirror so much about our internal thoughts and beliefs. With humility, Julie