It was early Friday morning and I was excited to visit with Dad, yet also feeling some apprehension about the visits to meet with his doctor and lawyer, initiated by me, balked at by him.
I get it - growing older has its own set of challenges - facing the end of life, confusion due to dementia, hanging on for dear life for what was and will no longer be.
My Dad has an amazing doctor. She is caring, lighthearted enough and very realistic, not sugar-coating anything. She started by saying that she had not seen me in a while and I remarked that Dad had cancelled our appointments, a great segway into the dynamics that have existed during my life. I had decided prior to our visit and really prayed on it, that I would not judge his behavior - protection, love, disinterest - who knows and not for me to figure out.
I reviewed the items for safety and his refusal to move to elderly housing, his choice in not selling his home despite having few resources to financially support him. My Dad needs the help, allows me, then refuses - a dance that we've played for years, as well as a familiar routine with he and Mom. As we closed the session, she gently, but firmly told me this is his journey and choice and there is not much that I can do.
I hear it, understand it, yet wrestle with so many emotions - wanting to control the outcome, wanting a connection that has not been there, feeling frustrated and sad all at the same time.
Next stop - tires for his car - check. Lunch - check. And some nice conversation - many stories repeated for the 1000th time, but that's okay. My kids remind me that I repeat myself quite a bit too!
Now, to meet with his lawyer. This was by far the more challenging visit, as Dad had chosen throughout life to not learn about finances, insurance etc, and his views of what he has in the bank are very skewed - "I have tons of money" to "I have these big bills coming in and don't know how to pay for them". While some heat and calm, overall, things were explained and I would call it success!
On the way home, I got to visit with one of my closest friends and we talked about the challenges of family dynamics and how to really let go, being in a place of loving acceptance.
By the end of an 11 hour ride from start to finish, I was pretty tired and as I chose my stones for my meditation and began to breathe deeply preparing for sleep, I thought back to one of my last visits with Mom before she died. She was in the rehab center and my friend, a massage therapist, gave me some nice oil as I wanted to massage her legs and feet. It felt so good to be able to do this for Mom and it reminded me of the Holy Thursday ritual at our church where there would be the washing of the feet, symbolizing Jesus being a servant to others, showing love and respect for his fellow men and women.
We had a brief conversation sitting on the edge of the bed and she asked about my cancer, telling me that this was a serious health concern. I reassured her that I was doing everything possible to remain healthy and to learn about my illness. As I drove away, I saw her sitting on the bed, waving out to me. I cried most of my way home fro my visit with her, and as I lay in bed this night, I sobbed deeply. At the end of my catharsis, I felt so much better, at peace and realized that this day represented the cycle of life and how powerful the process of letting go really is.
May you find peace in the process.
With love,
Julie
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