Hmm - how does one sum up years of memories - the highs, the lows and all that lies in between? Today was my wedding anniversary with my first husband and my first real love in my life. Sure, I had crushes before, but I fell hard for him.
In fact as today was approaching, I was thinking of and humming the song that I had the guys in the band sing for our ceremony - Just You and I, Eddie Rabbitt and Crystal Gayle. In fact as I am writing this, I'm listening to the youtube version, smiling.
Then came a rush of sadness - how did it go down, why did it go down? I've learned so much about myself, our relationship and have grown over the years, still hoping to someday have a reconciliation that does not brush the inequities of both sides under the rug, but that starts fresh with a knowledge that the two people who entered and ended the marriage have transformed, have renewed lives and are stronger individuals as a result of that past.
Enter part two. I had fertility issues and finally got pregnant almost three years after we married, only to have a miscarriage at 6 1/2 months with twins on yes, my anniversary. It was a devastating situation and one that I have often wondered about the significance of. I can say with certainty that my two wonderful daughters represent the two girls who never had the chance to come alive in this lifetime. Their souls, at least for me, became manifest in Lindsay and Ashley, and the bond that we share as mother-daughter and they as sister-sister is so strong and loving.
As the day unfolded, I initially experienced the roller coaster of emotions, but the overarching theme was one of calm, comfort, gratefulness for being alive and well. I felt a calm detachment - not angry. I guess that part of the lesson is to find that place of detachment. God knows how anger and emotion can cut like a knife.
I wish you all peace,
Julie
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