From the depths of darkness to envisioning the white light, this past two weeks has included the continuum of these seemingly polar opposites.
A few weeks ago my mind was filled with self-doubt, with tears at the surface, feeling both physical and emotional pain. I was in this place of finally realizing what this past year has been - a year filled with constant change, uncertainty, illness, financial distress - and one that I got through quite "nicely". As I've referred to in the past, my coping style is to get through challenging times, and later, feel my emotions. In some cases, it is a year later before I even realize that I have not processed what has happened. This was surely the case here.
Each morning I awoke, remembering being in the hospital, remembering the fear I had about having a very large needle inserted into my left hamstring with no anesthesia. In fact, it was the first time I ever cried about a medical procedure, having my entire backside exposed to docs, nurses, ultrasound folks and while not feeling embarrassed, it was lying on my side with no place to escape - not knowing what the pain might feel like that scared me. The surgery which followed was easier! During this week of remembering, I needed to have blood work done which is pretty routine for me these days as I continue to build my immune system back to health, and as I left the hospital, I burst into tears, recalling how my doc told me just a year ago that he had not seen these particular cancer markers so high before.
This statement was such a disconnect for me because I was still quite functional through it all. How could this be - and yet it was. However, it no longer IS. The reality is that the past is now in the past and "each new day and moment, I am manifesting my dream of health, wholeness and abundance".
Manifestation is a process that I am working on with my coach and it has not been easy because this process requires that one take time to meditate and quiet the mind in order to focus on the moment at hand. All the shoulds, must dos and have tos do not exist - they are part of the subconscious and ego that evades being in the moment.
While the week of emotion was challenging, I believe in its benefit to really put the past to rest and as Geneen Roth stated in one of her books, "The only way around it is through it", really makes sense to me. I felt my feelings, allowed them as painful as they were, while also knowing that the reality is that I am healed, whole and perfect with my imperfections!
With the help of my coach, Matthew, I entered the following week with more peace, present-tense focus and life seemed to flow more smoothly.
This morning as I picked out my Angel Card, I pulled Freedom and the words were so very meaningful: "You may feel trapped right now by life conditions. By drawing this card, the angels ask you to realize that you are the only jail keeper that ever surfaces in your own life. Whenever you realize that you have the power to be free, freedom follows. Everything you do in life is by choice, and you are free to choose again. Even prisoners are free to choose their thoughts so that they feel peace and happiness under any conditions."
The message to consider is that while life is full of cycles, staying in the moment will help to settle the mind knowing that all is well.
Peace,
Julie
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