"You Look Great"

Have you ever heard that from someone before and yet felt bad instead of glad?  I'm sure many can relate.  As I've said in my personal story and will also do in the blog, you will learn about me - my trials and my triumphs, as well as hot topics in nutrition, alternative therapies and psychology.

For years, I have counseled women with disordered eating issues, listening to how invalidated they feel when someone comments how good they look.  What goes through their minds are statements like, "I must be fat" or even worse, "She has no idea how depressed or anxious or fearful I really feel."  And so the unhealthy behavior continues, with underlying hopes that people will really see the pain, the fear, the inability to step into being a confident and responsible adult.

When I work with these folks, I help them to find their voice, to use their voice and to know that this will help in gaining self-confidence and attracting the people, jobs, things that are wanted in life.

While I do not have this specific issue with regard to body image, I have really struggled with this theme during my illness.  I feel that the cancer that I have has great meaning in my life.  It is a slow growing cancer, is not necessarily debilitating, but can be and it does not cause deformity.  While I have felt poorly, I have remained functional and usually on work days, wear make-up to create a bright and cheerful image.  My attitude is also generally upbeat and energetic, and even on days when I feel lousy, I normally don't let it show.  So often during this past year, people have commented how wonderful I look and while I thank them, down inside, I feel angry, invalidated, thinking, "Do you know how I feel?" 

This week, I had an "ahha".  I realized that I have not been in my integrity, not being upfront about how I really feel, thus how could anyone even know how I feel.  Talking to someone who is ill is often uncomfortable and as humans, we want  to avoid pain for ourselves and others.  The best way to avoid the discomfort is to tell someone how wonderful they look, trying to be supportive.  By learning to be honest about our true feelings - "I'm not feeling well these days" - we have an opportunity to allow others into our space, to be closer to us and to be able to help in some way.

The moral of the story is that it may be best to avoid commenting on how people look, but to say how good it is to see them and to ask genuinely how they are, intently listening to their response.  We spend far too much time looking at the outside without listening to what's going on inside.

Be well,
Julie