As I left my meeting with one of my gurus on Friday, we hit
upon a powerful aspect of my personality and what can become the tipping point
into the abyss of negativity. I have a
voracious desire to learn, to integrate and to make this knowledge cohesive and
available to others. I use my personal
journey through the hills and valleys in order to have a concrete understanding
and reality-check before disseminating my “findings”.
In my journey, I learn, read, process, listen attentively
and then hit a wall – a wall of complete mental and physical exhaustion, often
find myself watching my mindless shows for about 40-60 minutes. The catch is that there is tremendous guilt
in “doing nothing”, in indulging in a purpose-less activity. This nightmare is not only increasing my
exhaustion, but the ghosts of self-doubt emerge and I’m off and running with
the following: “I’m not good enough”, “I’ll
never know enough”, “How will you heal your patients”. Ugh – not a pretty site.
Fortunately, these phases have become shorter, but as I
continue to “peel the layers” of my own onion, I am aware of these few
remaining hooks that have been with me forever.
I am also able to use my “outside observer”, the phrase that I use over
and over again with my clients, in order to be less stuck in the feelings,
aware that it is uncomfortable, but also knowing that this is not me, but my
conditioning.
Oh that conditioning!
It comes not only from our parents, but from anyone and any
circumstances that have been in our lives generally before the age of
seven. It has been often stated in the
psychological literature that the Jesuits knew this hundreds of years ago and would
state, “Give me a boy before the age of seven and I’ll give you a man.” This model has been used throughout
psychological studies to help us understand how much conditioning and early
life experiences shape who we are today.
Enough of the philosophy and psychology, now more of the
personal piece. I’ve shared in past
blogs about being the “only child” whose parents wanted to make sure that I was
not the “spoiled only child”. And indeed
I was not. I received remakes,
hand-me-downs and Mom, an amazing seamstress, made some of my clothing out of
curtains because her “allowance” was very meager. While well-intentioned and coming from an
intended place of love, looking at it with expanded vision, I see how fear was
really the driver. In fact, fear is
often the driver in our lives.
Doing tasks and chores at an early age have certainly helped
with challenging circumstances that I’ve experienced in my adulthood but what
was missing was the vital role that play and imagination are equally
important. I’ve become an expert
task-master, often seen as a high achiever and a dependable person, but at what
expense?
The journey back to re-learn how to play is not an easy one,
but it is well-worth the effort! On
Monday, I had a list of patient-related and business-related tasks to do, but I
also had just come off from a long weekend of training in genetics, knowing
that I would need time to decompress. Oh,
but the brain was telling me, no, there is no time for play, yet my heart was
pounding even louder telling me that I must turn to love and not fear. It is often stated in various scriptures of
many spiritual texts, “live like a child of God”.
Combining my work on Friday with Kristina with my spiritual
phrases, I took time with Tammie to play fetch at the park. It had been such a long time since we played
like this outdoors, that she forgot to bring it back to me in the beginning. Soon, we were both frolicking and feeling
playful.
My message to you all is to face those inner demons and
lighten the load with balance and fun in your life!
Tiptoe Through The Tulips,
Julie
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