It's been that roller coaster ride of emotions. In all that there is, life continues with its highs and lows.
In conversations with clients and my daughter last week, the lesson seemed to be that in order to experience the joy and exhilaration, there is also the darkness. Some of my clients who have been on anti-depressants mentioned the dislike for the numbing action because it just didn't seem/feel normal. Yet, there is this fear and anticipation of entering the dark. After all, society demonizes the dark, as if it will overtake one or label one as abnormal.
How far from the truth this is! Yet, we are conditioned to believe that life should always be a bed of roses.
Today, I received a lovely email from a friend of my Mom and Dad, acknowledging how my Dad is talking about his getting close to the top of the list for senior housing. He has resisted until just recently and she noted his waning appetite, his increasing frailty and how she could only imagine how hard this acceptance must be.
This comes on the eve before my Mom and Dad's anniversary and the day that my Mom went into a coma, dying only a little after midnight when the family all arrived. I felt this pain deeply, yet allowed myself to feel it. I know now that allowing the dark to enter, will bring light at the end. And it has taken years for me to finally get here. My MO was always to get through adversity, to make sure that everyone else was taken care of, and in the process, buried feelings so deep that it is now three years later and I am feeling the sadness even more of Mom not being here in human form. I am also so very aware of my Dad's moving closer to these later days/years of his own life.
It is coupled with complexity, for my relationship with Dad has been respectful and dutiful, but that emotional connection has not been there. I no longer blame either one of us, for the lessons will continue to come and as long as I hold love in my heart for me not being able to "fix it" and for Dad for showing his love as he knew how, things will be okay.
Taking time to explore those darker places of oneself, of life experiences, will provide an opportunity for greater love and respect for the cycle of life.
May you embrace all that life offers,
Julie
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