Anniversary of what.
Of my descent into acute illness that brought me to Newton Wellesley
Hospital, followed by surgery, chemotherapy and a whopping reaction to
chemo. That was two years ago.
I’ve always been sensitive to anniversaries of any kind –
weddings, deaths, other happy or sad occasions, but this one marks a time of
reflection of my emotional style, my way of coping with continued movement in a
forward direction.
I’ve also recently learned more acutely that I
intellectualize rather than feel. Part
of this I recognize being a Virgo! The
other part is how I lived in my family – one which looked ideal on the outside
while there was a lot of chaos on the inside.
Being an only child, I leaned on my best friend and to this day, she
brings me to my senses about what life was really like. Intellectualizing and seeing both sides has
certain benefits, but when it comes to processing, this style can inhibit
moving through in order to come to a place of balance.
I am just feeling the reality of how crazy things were two
years ago. I not only needed to sell my
home due to finances from being ill, but my Mom died, I moved to a place where
I’ve always wanted to be, but needed to re-establish my practice. Within three months, I was in the hospital,
sick, out of work and now faced with figuring it out once again as a single
parent.
My coping style was to re-vamp my website, to do yoga every
day in the hospital, to begin my blog, to write for the newspaper, to learn how
to use skype and forge ahead. While this
has been wonderful in so many ways, I did not allow myself time to feel sad,
mad and afraid. Nope, not my style!
What is interesting is that I am a solid support for my
family, friends and clients, allowing them to feel held and heard in my presence. I now realize that I also need this and
sometimes do not allow it into my life for fear of being “weak”. I had been feeling apprehensive about this
two year anniversary, reliving the moments leading up to it, but today, I feel
that I have broken the chains that bound me.
I am moving ahead in a more balanced fashion and it feels so good!
May you always learn about who you are with curiosity and
self-love.
Julie
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