I've used this term for many years, knowing that I truly wanted to make my way from Point A to Point B, but somehow kept getting lost in the midst of chaos, crisis and one emergency after another. I've spent time in therapy, doing spiritual work, energy work - all moving me in the right direction, yet not quite making the mark yet.
During this past few weeks, chaos abounded on many levels - first the mechanical stuff broke down - computer, phone , car; then there was a pause button on the health report card - was Hairy Cell back or is it something else; for the first time the answer was no from the bank when I requested an increase in my equity line. Then of course, there is watching over my Dad as best I can with support and compassion as he struggles with the inevitable aging process. Wow - what a few weeks!
Well, all the mechanics are back in order, I do not have cancer, but do have some "other process" that has been known but unidentified for years, but hey, huge relief to not have the big C A back! And, while the bank explained the "no", what they did say is that because I have had impeccable credit, I was able to get the loan last year and if my trend continues upward this year, I will be able to increase it next year. I want to help my daughters achieve exciting things with assistance - a wedding later this summer and wheels for living off campus in the Fall.
Money has been a theme since childhood and it is a key metaphor for the many ways that I have lived in survival mode, yet wanting to thrive. Most recently in my own discovery with an amazing spiritual counselor, we looked hard at the circumstances surrounding my birth and early years. Much of my recollection has been blocked, knowing full well that this is a sign of deeper "stuff". I'll only touch briefly on examples and plan to use more of this in a women's circle later this summer,
My Mom had an asthma attack during my childbirth process, left gasping for air and frightened. My Dad had an episode of breaking furniture and losing it due to his own fear of change. My early memories were of fighting, a lot about "money" and Mom, a beautiful seamstress, made many of my clothes, even out of old curtains! She told me how the doctor put me on a strict schedule for bottle feeding and I had lots of "tummy issues" right from the start.
As life went along, I rarely asked for things that I wanted, as it did not feel right or OK to express a want, but desserts, food and going for ice cream after chores well done was what we did as a family. There were money problems and my savings and bonds were cashed in for part of the rescue but the money never returned. I recall needing to be in silence at the dinner table, in the car - no giggling or typical child-like behavior was considered acceptable.
I've tended to minimize the effects over the years, stating that I had food, clothing, shelter, but never sat in front of the mirror (part of the exercise I do now) to look into the eyes of my child self. Wow, what an experience. I am beginning to see so much that I had not been able to or was not ready for in the past.
It took these two weeks of combined "stuff" to really get me off my "____" in order to reach out and begin to demand of myself, standing in my worthiness, owning my value as a clinician and recognizing that I need to get paid for my services.
Before I was ill, I took the leap into private practice because it was part of my dream and I was becoming quite successful - balancing the responsibilities of being a business owner with single motherhood. Life was going well! Then sickness took hold. As the income drained, I needed to sell my home, downsize, but I did move to where I've always wanted to be and continue to love it here!
As is in my nature, I started networking, building relationships, but there were roadblocks - the referral landscape had changed. Doctors now had an allegiance to the hospital services, thus my pool was drying up. A few months after the move, I became ill, hospitalized and mostly out of commission for months. I had not really looked at my "numbers" until the bank told me about my ratio of income to debt. OMG, what a reality check.
I have implemented strategies to "push me" where I have always resisted and I am holding myself accountable. It feels strange, very uncomfortable, awkward, yet good, because I am really moving mountains. I am stepping into my power and honoring who I am and what I have to offer.
My gift to you is my story - one of process, integration and continued perseverance. Never give up on YOU - I won't!
With love,
Julie
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