The Anniversary

It's been a month since my last post. This has been a month of transition, of pondering, of disbelief, of reality. On Oct 13, my Mom passed away. As I write this, there is still a part of me that really does not comprehend those words. She passed peacefully at the hospital with my Dad, my two daughters and my older daughter's boyfriend, all surrounding her with love, prayers and last conversations. As I've mentioned in other posts, my Mom had been ill for about 1 1/2 years, but especially challenged since being on dialysis 10 months ago. There have been very important correlations between my mother's illness and my own. The day that my Mom went into the hospital for the first time, was the very day that I got my diagnosis of hairy cell leukemis. And from then on, when my Mom was having a complication, I often had a similar medical issue going on - digestive issues that required exploration/surgery, extremely low blood pressure, very low iron that required a transfusion for my Mom and almost required the same for me. It became a bit beyond coincidental for these occasions. During these past 3-4 months as these occasions increased, I chose to seek assistance with a healer who specializes in family constellation therapy. This proved to be very enlightening and brought me great compassion for those parts of my Mom that I struggled with. As with all us parents, we have our loving and amazing qualities, as well as those parts better known as the "shadow side". I have personally done a lot of work on accepting and integrating my shadow side and what a liberating feeling! How nice it is to learn to love all of who we are without having to hide those parts that are less appealing. It remains a work in progress! By learning more about my lineage - my Mom, her siblings, parents, grand-parents - I felt not only a deeper connection with my Mom, but an ability to become less enmeshed and more of my own person. During the few weeks prior to her death, we had amazing talks. I was able to share deep feelings with her that I had been too embarrassed to talk about - to be able to show my vulnerability, to cry with her, to massage her back, legs and feet, to hug her closely as if she were now mine. Since my Mom's passing, I have been very open to listening to messages that she is sending me, to pay attention to the important details in life. I am able to see more clearly that my Mom gave me life in her passing. In her wisdom toward the end, she told me how important it would be for me to take care of myself, to get rest and not feel guilty about not being there all the time. The past year was challenging because there were times that I could not go into the hospital due to my own low blood counts, and times that I was so tired, but would make the trip 1 1/2 hours each way to visit. I feel even more conviction that I will heal my cancer - I learn from it every day! With love and blessings for all, Julie